tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23323941406998279702024-03-13T14:02:43.473-07:00Defying Gravity: My Journey of Self DiscoveryStephanie Annhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12206392326771154478noreply@blogger.comBlogger100125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2332394140699827970.post-68837633986606176662017-12-19T18:41:00.003-08:002017-12-19T18:41:55.659-08:00The Birth Story of Ezra James Rochette It has been a little over three weeks since I gave birth to my sweet, baby son and because of how my labor and birth came about, I have struggled to figure out the best way to share what happened.<br />
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Friday, November 24th, I had been having intense braxton hicks contractions on and off all day, pretty much every time I stood up. I noticed that my Little Man had decreased his movements, which worried me, but I decided to wait until the next day to start worrying.<br />
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Saturday, November 25th, my sweet boy was still hardly moving and I was starting to get worried. My husband had work all day, so my mum came to Idaho Falls to take me to Mountain View Labor and Delivery, just to make sure that everything was okay. We got there and I got hooked up to the monitors. Everything seemed to be fine, but due to the fact that I was nearly full term (39 weeks and 3 days) and also due to the fact that I was scheduled to be induced the next week anyway, my midwife decided to admit me and start my induction. Sweet relief! By this point in my pregnancy I was SO, so ready to be done and I was nervous, but excited to get everything moving.<br />
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I couldn't get a hold of Austin on his cell phone, so I called his work and his very concerned sounding coworker transferred me to Austin and I explained what was going on. Though I had a presumably long road ahead of me (I was first going to be induced with a cervical ripening pill called Cytotec), Austin's boss and coworkers shooed him out of work and he arrived shortly after. I also made a quick call to my doula (birth coach), but unfortunately she was still out of town in Seattle, which is about 12 hours away. Oh, well!<br />
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At around 4pm, I received a cervical check and my first dose of Cytotec. I was informed that I was about 1 centimeter dilated. After waiting an hour or two for the pill to take effect, I was allowed to get up and move around. Once I did that, my contractions were coming about every five minutes. I thought I was handling labor pretty well. I was rocking, slow dancing with Austin, walking, receiving counter pressure, getting foot massages, breathing, using music and oils, etc. I was confident that I had this in the bag! About four or so hours after my first dose of Cytotec, I was checked again and I had not progressed one iota, so I was given another dose of Cytotec. After waiting for it to take effect, my contractions ramped up IMMENSELY. Before long, my contractions were a minute apart and shortly after that, seemed to be less than 30 seconds apart. They were literally one right after the other, right on top of each other. I labored like this (according to my mum. I lost track of time.) for about three hours. For the last 20 minutes or so of that long laboring period, I labored in the tub. I was making these primal, guttural growls and from how frequent my contractions were occuring, my nurse and the charge nurse, plus my mum, were getting very nervous. They were guessing that I was in transition and getting ready to push. Before getting in the tub, I had refused another cervical check (my cervix apparently sat very far back and up, so getting checked was EXCRUCIATINGLY painful). While I was in the tub, my nurses asked if I would feel more comfortable getting checked by my midwife, Susan. I nodded yes and shortly after, she arrived.<br />
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Getting out of the tub when my contractions were pretty much constant was one of the hardest, scariest things I have ever done. I was seized by the armpits by my midwife and Austin and using my legs I heaved myself out with their help. About halfway to my bed, I was hit with a horrific contraction and absolutely buck naked, I collapsed onto Austin's shoulders and just screamed. I remember the nurses and my midwife saying, "Get her on the bed! Get her on the bed!" I think they must have been afraid I was going to push my son out, right then and there. After the contraction passed, we had a VERY short window to get me onto the bed and everything moved very quickly.At this point, my sweet, baby sister arrived and took a place in the back of the room next to Austin. I was laid back and during another contraction, I was checked. It was one of THE most painful things I have ever experienced. This may be too much information, but it felt as though my midwife was digging around in my insides to get to my cervix. I was shrieking in pain and a nurse go right up next to me, told me to grab the bed frame above me and kept saying, a bit sternly, I might add, "Don't lose control, don't lose control!"<br />
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Mercifully, the check was shortly thereafter completed and my midwife said, "Stephanie, you're almost at a two..." I cried even harder than I already was and with complete abandon said, "FUCK!" Everyone around me, including myself, was so sure that I was fully dilated and ready to push. It was as if my body was in transition, but didn't get the message to dilate. It was decided, because I wasn't progressing and to give my poor body a much needed break, to give me an epidural. Again, one of the hardest most painful things I have ever done. Trying to hold still when my contractions were so close together was horrendous. My mum was holding my shoulders as I hunched over and I kept crying and kept saying, "It hurts, it hurts, it hurts..." over and over again. All she could say was, "I know it does. I know it does."<br /><br />At this point, my poor sister, whom I am very close to, was close to tears and on the verge of a panic attack seeing me in so much pain and distress. Austin was silent and didn't say a word. Mercifully, the epidural was very quick to take effect and I got a break. My little sister left at this point after saying hello to me and stroking the side of my face. Also at this point, I was informed that because my contractions were so intense and so close together, my son was in distress. With every contraction, his heart rate dropped. I was then given a shot to slow my contractions or hopefully stop them. A short time after, my midwife came in and tried to insert a foley bulb to help my cervix dilate faster, after a few minutes of trying to insert it, she gave up. My son was very, very low, but according to my midwife, his hand was in the way. His hand was up next to his face, behind his right ear making it difficult for him to descend properly. During this time, I also spiked a fever and shook with muscle fatigue like I had already given birth.<br />
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Later, I'm not sure how much later, the nurses rushed in and quickly put me on oxygen and laid me down on my left side. They didn't tell me why, but I later discovered it was because *I* was now in distress, my blood pressure kept dropping and my mum later told me it was a crazy low number, something like 90/40. I was repeatedly turned on a different side every few minutes and soon was given another shot to slow my contractions because my son was *still* in distress, despite the first shot. It wasn't before too after that, that my midwife and the on-call OB/GYN came in and informed me that because both my son and I were doing so poorly, that we now had to do a c-section. After that, everything went very, very fast. The lights were turned on in my room, they woke up Austin and explained what was going on/happening and the nurses and anesthesiologist rushed in. I was also checked one last time and told that I was now fully a two. I had failed to progress despite our best efforts which now made the need for a c-section even more urgent. They gave Austin some stuff to wear in the operating room and put a cap on my hair and wheeled me down the hall to the operating room. Things were still moving super quickly and before I knew it, they were making the first incision and about three minutes later at 2:44 am on Sunday, November 26th, 2017, my son made his debut into the world. They dropped the sheet so I could see my son, then they whisked him off to the NICU. I cried, so relieved to finally have my son here, safe and sound after such a harrowing pregnancy (more about that later). I remember them saying, "He looks like The Hulk!"I guess due to the distress he was in, he passed some meconium in the womb and the top of his little head was green. While they worked to close me, they continued to give me different medicines through an IV. One of them though, I distinctly felt move through me in a wave and I knew in an instant that I was going to vomit. All I could do was turn my head and vomit out of the side of my mouth, unable to move or do much of anything else. My sweet husband was trying to hold my hand and catch the copious amounts of vomit exiting my body at an alarming rate at the same time. He was a champ!<br />
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After the vomiting passed, we could hear my sweet boy screaming at the top of his lungs. After the nurses got him semi-cleaned up, they passed him through the NICU window into my husband's arms and he immediately stopped crying. After I got all stitched up, I was wheeled to my recovery room and allowed to rest and hold my son. What a beautifully sweet experience that was to hold my rainbow for the very first time.<br />
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The rest of Sunday was pretty uneventful, but early Monday morning, due to my son's inability to latch properly and his sleepiness and laziness, was admitted to the NICU with dangerously low blood sugars.He was also put on oxygen and stayed in the NICU until he was discharged Thursday morning.<br />
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Many of you are unaware that at my 20 week ultrasound they found a benign, but albeit still dangerous mass on my placenta called a correo angioma. Due to this, I had to have in depth growth ultrasounds every two weeks to check on my son's growth and heart function. At around 25 weeks, it looked like there was too much extra fluid and that my son had the beginnings of what looked like a severe heart problem called hydrops. We were rushed to the U of U in Utah to a maternal-fetal specialist with the expectation that either I would be delivered at 26 weeks or I would be admitted to the hospital for the duration of my pregnancy. Scared out of our minds, we went to that appointment, but were then informed that everything looked fine. I had received a blessing from my husband and sister-in-law's husband the night before and we wonder if that had an effect on my son's condition. I guess we'll never know for sure, but we are grateful that he ended up being okay.<br />
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During my c-section it was discovered that the correo angioma was actually much larger than the ultrasound showed and though we aren't totally sure, we guessed that this was the reason why my son had such a difficult time with his blood sugar. Correo angiomas infringe on nutrients and blood supply, among other things and are usually much scarier than we experienced. Often, babies with correo angiomas on their placentas are delivered very early. We were very fortunate that I was able to safely carry sweet Ezra for as long as I did. Not many are as lucky as we were.<br />
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All in all, I am so very pleased with the way things turned out, though it was nothing like I expected or wanted it to be. Ezra James was ultimately delivered safely and that is ALL that matters. We are now home, safe, sound, and very, very blessed.Stephanie Annhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12206392326771154478noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2332394140699827970.post-62681721675101381342017-02-08T13:44:00.001-08:002017-02-08T17:41:49.200-08:00For this Child I Prayed...Two pink lines. That's what started my journey. Two pink lines on a pregnancy test. When I found out I was pregnant, I was over the moon. I was finally going to be a mother. After years of dreaming and waiting to be married, my own little bundle of joy would join me in eight months. My husband was stunned, but very excited. We talked about baby names and laughed as pregnancy cravings started to make themselves known. One blissful week was all I had. One. Blissfull. Week. And then everything changed.<br />
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It's been two weeks. Two weeks today since I woke up, around 5:30 or 6:00 in the morning, to cramping and bleeding. Cramping and bleeding that wouldn't stop. Just a few days before, a dear friend had sent me a scripture. And I kept repeating that scripture over and over again in my head as I prayed for this nightmare to stop. 1st Samuel 1:27. "For this child I prayed; and the Lord hath given me my petition which I asked of him." I can't tell you how many times I repeated that scripture in my head. I repeated it so much that it stopped sounding like real words and started sounding like gibberish. Soon, my husband had to leave for work, and two of my sisters-in-law showed up to be my support. I spent the morning curled up in my bed, in increasing pain, tears streaming down my face, praying constantly.</div>
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Hours later, it was all over. We got an emergency appointment at the OB/GYN's office and went in to get things checked out, hoping against all hope, clinging to my sister in law for support. But after an ultrasound and a visit with an OB/GYN, my worst fears were confirmed. I had a complete miscarriage. </div>
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I cannot begin to describe the depths of my despair. I had cried, many times before in my life, but never before had I cried like this. It seemed like it would never stop. I couldn't breathe; my chest felt tight. I was in so much pain. Not just physically, but emotionally as well. I never imagined in my life that someone could hurt like this and still live to tell about it. </div>
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I felt like I would break in two. I still feel like that, most days. I fight daily to overcome my still raging hormones, my still raging emotions. Most days, I still don't know what to do with myself. I try to distract myself by rearranging my closet or watching Netflix, taking walks, or even cooking. But inevitably, something will remind me of what I've lost and I am right back where I started from.</div>
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I struggled with whether or not to share my story, my experience. But in the end, I decided to share because even though this baby didn't live, it still deserves to be remembered, treasured, and cherished. My miscarriage is not something shameful; it has taken a lot for me to finally realize that I didn't cause this, that I didn't do anything wrong. Even though my baby didn't live, I still love them, with everything that I have inside of me. I share this story also, in the hopes that I bring strength and comfort to the women how have been through or are going through what I have gone through. You are NOT alone. I am here for you. We can get through this together. </div>
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I am grateful for the fact that I was sealed for time and all eternity to my husband. This means, to me, that even though my baby didn't make it, someday, I will get to raise them and be with them forever. They are not lost to me; I will get to see them someday. </div>
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I am taking each day, one day, at a time. So while it may take a while for me to be able to sit through church, surrounded by children and new mommies, without crying, I know that someday, I won't hurt as much. That someday, even though I will never forget my time as a mother, it won't occupy my every waking thought and I will be able to move forward. I know that I am loved and supported by my family, my friends, by God, and that is what is getting me through this heartbreaking and difficult time. </div>
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My dear friends, if you have gone through this, or are going through this, please don't hesitate to talk to me. I have found, that even though it's painful, it helps to talk about what happened to me. We are stronger together.</div>
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Much love and support,</div>
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Stephanie Ann Rochette </div>
Stephanie Annhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12206392326771154478noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2332394140699827970.post-36643319611501156232016-12-06T12:15:00.002-08:002016-12-06T12:15:30.706-08:00The Self-Esteem Battle *Sigh* Many of you know that due to my depression and eating disorder and chronic illnesses, I have terrible self esteem. And it's starting to rear it's ugly head again and I'm not sure what to do about it. Being mostly homebound during the day, it makes it hard. I feel useless because I'm not able to work. I don't feel of worth, even though I'm working very hard to be a good wife. I just feel like it's not enough. It's never enough.<br />
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I have a love/very strong hate relationship with my body. On one hand, I love it because I'm able to walk,and talk, and see, hear, taste, touch, smell the world around me. I love that my arms can hold and comfort a child. That I can make good food with my hands, with my mind. I love that my body has given me the ability to sing and make myself and those around me feel well and feel blessed. BUT on the other hand, I hate that walking and talking, seeing, hearing, tasting, touching, smelling, EVERYTHING, makes me tired. My whole body aches after holding a child and my arms feel like they're about to fall off. I hate that if I cook too much for a long period of time, it will send me head first down the rabbit hole of chronic illnesses and I won't be able to get out of bed for days. My body is hyper sensitive and everything sets me off. I hate that I have to be so careful. And I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I just want to feel useful again. I hate that my body doesn't work the way it's supposed to. I hate that it just does what it wants and I'm being dragged along to the horse races, with no say in the matter.<br />
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I'm so sorry about the negativity in this post, but it's truly how I feel. And don't even get me started on the appearance of my body. I've recently become obsessed with how much I weigh, carefully watching the numbers as they go up and down. I don't see the beautiful potential my body could be, could have; I see what I don't have. I don't fit into a certain size of jeans. I am more round than I am straight. I feel as though I'm getting bigger and bigger and not able to stop. I feel as though nothing looks good on me anymore. Instead of wearing the fitted, form hugging shirts and vintage outfits I love so much, I'm opting for sweaters and baggy cardigans so I don't have to look at myself. I'm so hard on my body and I just push and push, trying to make it better, when in fact because of my illnesses, I usually make it worse. Though there is no way that I can become obese because of the strict diet I'm on, I still have that awful fear. That that's what I'm slowly becoming. I don't know how to get out of this rut and it terrifies me. It's starting to affect so much more than I want it to.<br />
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HELP. What do you guys do when you're in a rut like this? How do you get out of it? How do you make yourself feel better? How do you make yourself like your body? How is it that you are not so hard on it? What do you DO?Stephanie Annhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12206392326771154478noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2332394140699827970.post-17469673543672695292016-12-06T11:13:00.001-08:002016-12-06T11:18:38.251-08:00"Cursed", A Book Excerpt Hey, ya'll. This is from a book that I'm writing, it's just the prologue to kind of explain everything. It's rough, so be gentle in your judgements. Writing has proven to be an effective outlet for my creative energy, so here it is. (It's a Sleeping Beauty story, by the way.)<br />
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<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 28.0pt; line-height: 107%;">The
Prophecy<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"> The
Darkness will fall thick upon the land of Abrielle as it once did in the days
of Rapunzel. And the terror and destruction will be great. But in the tenth
year of the reign of the Handsome and Beautiful Graces will arise a second
child, a daughter. The Conqueror. The Divine Gift who in her twenty-first year will
at last be able to permanently bring down the Sorceress Morissa and bring peace
to Abrielle. And with triumphant aplomb the Princess will return the light to
the kingdom and free the people from destruction forevermore. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 28.0pt; line-height: 107%;">The
Curse<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"> Princess
Theodora Caroline Rose Grace, you will grow in the gifts that have been
bestowed upon you, but when you reach your twenty-first year you will prick
your finger on the spindle of a spinning wheel and fall into a dark abyss from
which you will never recover. But if fate is kind, there is a way to counter
the curse. A love. A true love’s kiss will recover you from your deep sleep,
but if this does not occur by midnight on your twenty-first birthday, then you
will be lost forever and Abrielle will fall into despair for time and all
eternity. </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 28.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 28pt;">-Prologue-</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"> Sunday
ran. She ran as fast as she could for as long as she could, trying not to
jostle the bundle in her arms. She could feel her blood pounding in her ears,
her bare feet slapping against the cobblestone streets as the distance between
her and the castle grew farther and farther. It started to rain and Sunday’s
curly red hair hung limply in her face. The rain started to pour even harder and
Sunday stopped suddenly in her tracks as she heard explosions in the distance,
looking around frantically. And there it was. Sunday hurried over to the wall
that ran around the Royal City of Abrielle, took out her wand and tapped the
wall three times, drawing a circle. A bright blue light washed over Sunday from
the circle and she stepped into it, disappearing completely. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"> Sunday
reappeared in a dark alleyway, the stink of rot and urine reaching her
nostrils. Cockroaches and other vermin scurried away from the blue light as
Sunday tapped the wall behind her three times again, the light disappearing.
The ground crunched beneath her as she walked to the mouth of the alley,
turning left. Sunday walked for four blocks and then turned right, crossing the
street and walking up the fire escape of a shoebox sized apartment. Holding the
bundle with her left hand and searching with her right, Sunday pulled out a set
of keys and unlocked the door, stepping inside. One of Sunday’s hands reached
for a light pull and tugged it. Harsh yellow light flooded the room, revealing
peeling paint, frayed, dirty carpet, and water stains on the ceiling. Sunday
sighed and slid to the floor with her back up against the wall, her skirts and
apron askew. Finally, she laid the bundle on her lap and peeled back the layers
to reveal a pink, sleeping, newborn baby girl. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"> A
princess. <i>THE </i>princess. The most
important princess to grace the realms since the Great Rapunzel a thousand
years ago. Princess Theodora Caroline Rose Grace. The Conqueror. The Divine
Gift. The person who would finally bring down the evil sorceress Morissa and
bring peace to the realms that hadn’t been seen in hundreds of years. And here
she was. On Sunday’s lap. In a dirty apartment. In Brooklyn, New York. Realms
away from Abrielle, her significance and importance slowly dwindling into
nonexistence as the setting sank in. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"> “Well,
Theodora, this is it. For the next twenty-one years, this is home.” And Sunday
knew with piercing clarity that she would do whatever it took to protect
Theodora from The Curse. She knew without a doubt that if The Prophecy was not
allowed to be fulfilled, then the kingdom of Abrielle as she knew it, would be
lost. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><b>Admittedly, The Curse needs some desperate work, so any suggestions on how to tweak it would be welcome. It just doesn't sound right to me yet! </b></span></div>
Stephanie Annhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12206392326771154478noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2332394140699827970.post-41248227859609217022016-11-02T16:34:00.000-07:002016-11-02T16:34:46.412-07:00Discovery Dude...I'm married. Can you believe it?! After all the crazy crap I've been through, I finally have someone to be my partner, to be my equal; someone to help me through life's ups and downs. It's a bit of a strange feeling. I kinda actually feel like a grown up now.<br />
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Being a housewife for the past (almost) five weeks has caused me to have a lot of different thoughts on how to best spend my time and how to manage my illnesses at the same time. There's a delicate balance between being active and over-doing it. As a 26 year old married woman with a bachelor's degree, I have not yet mastered the art of that balance. Seems funny, right?<br />
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This is what I have discovered so far. Naps. Naps are my friend. When I'm really feeling my anxiety/depression or a migraine hits me like a pile of bricks, a nap is just the thing to help me manage. It helps me to cope and usually, helps me to kick whatever I'm struggling with in the keister.<br />
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Notebooks, cookbooks, and daily planners have been an absolute life saver. Not only do these things occupy me and help me to find ways to be frugal and save money for my new, little family, but they help me to feel <i>useful </i>which is something people with chronic illnesses struggle with on a <i>daily </i>basis. Being unable to work is one of the biggest struggles I've had to deal with. Parts of my self-worth link directly to being able to contribute to society and being able to use what I've studied and worked so hard for; being able to use my creativity and passions to better the space around me. SO,in short, meal planning and writing have helped me to be able to tap into that powerhouse of knowledge that exists within me. It feels amazing to be able to use it for something. It's not just existing within me anymore. It's <i>living. </i><br />
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Number three. Harry Potter. Yes, yes, I know this sounds a little bit silly and cliche, but it is totally and absolutely true. Re-reading the Harry Potter Series has helped me to have hope. It has helped me to remember that even in the darkest of times, when it seems that all hope is lost, all one has to do is turn on the light. It has helped me to treasure my friendships and relationships even more so than usual and has helped me to realize that if I need help, all I need to do is ask. Reading the illustrated version of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets has helped me to see the beauty and strength and hope even in the ugliest of situations. It has helped me tap into that truest part of me.<br />
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If you're having a hard time and things seem to be crashing down around your ears, I'm so sorry. I wish that there was something I could do to help you. I can only hope that what I've written here will give you the strength you need to keep on going today; to put one foot in front of the other.<br />
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Fear not, for God is with you in every step of your journey.<br />
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Much love and support,<br />
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Stephanie Ann RochetteStephanie Annhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12206392326771154478noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2332394140699827970.post-34287688859432109232015-12-08T14:28:00.001-08:002015-12-08T14:28:14.242-08:00Send My LoveI've been thinking for a while about what to write. I didn't want to write a post of just me rambling. I have felt the need for this next post to be important. Here we go, I suppose.<br />
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I have been struggling for a long time to feel that I am of worth, that I am loved and important. I got in a car accident almost a month ago that totaled my car and brought to halt all that I was doing to try and better myself. With my car totaled, I had to quit my job, and again come home to an empty house with my extroverted mind crawling up the walls. Having this accident happen to me has caused me to really dig deep and reflect on my life.<br />
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As the Holidays roll around, they have me thinking of all that has happened to me over this past year and with that, me struggling to remember all of the good things instead of the bad. Because there has been a lot of bad. But there has also been just as much good.<br />
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About a year and a half ago, I got diagnosed with all of my chronic illnesses, and honestly, my life changed for the better. Now, instead of being home-bound and bed ridden, I can walk! I can run (if I so choose), I can climb the stairs without passing out from the pain, I can hang out with friends, go to the bathroom without someone helping me, and can drive a car safely and carefully. I have come so far. I have pulled myself out of the very depths of hell to leave myself, shaking with exhaustion and effort, to crawl once more and be a part of my journey. I have come back from being engaged and jilted twice in 2014. I have overcome family issues, money issues, health issues; all within this past year. I have made progress! I have shown to myself, others, and God that I am willing to do whatever it takes to learn, grow, and <i>move. </i><br />
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So, knowing all of this, why does my brain forget all of these good, amazing things and focus on the bad? Why does it focus on the fact that I'm not working and therefore that means I'm useless? Why does it focus on the fact that I'm not anorexic anymore and that means that I'm fat and worthless? Why does it focus on the fact that I am chronically ill and that means no one wants me? Why does my brain just spin with all of this toxic waste and pull me to a place that I struggle to get back from?<br />
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So, how do I get out of this deep-seated funk that I'm in? How does anyone do that? Sometimes, and I hate to say it, prayer is not enough. We, I, have got to find some sort of action that I can grab onto to haul myself out. Action goes hand in hand with prayer. You can't just pray, do nothing, and expect all of your problems to be solved. But knowing all of this, having done everything the right way, why am I still the way that I am?<br />
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How is it that I can send my love to everyone else and love them for who they are, when on the inside, on the other side of my mask, I'm a struggling mess?<br />
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How do you send love to yourself? How do you get out of your deep-seated funk without being too damaged when you come out the other side? What do you do to lift your spirit to a place where darkness has a hell of a time touching it?<br />
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Sending my love to all,<br />
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StephanieStephanie Annhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12206392326771154478noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2332394140699827970.post-60707565104096766672015-06-12T19:19:00.003-07:002015-06-12T19:19:52.389-07:00Waiting for SupermanIsn't that what every single girl, young or old, eventually dreams of? A Prince Charming or a dashing Superman to come and sweep her off her feet and carry her off into the sunset of her future dreams?<br />
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Well, I'm here to tell you that it usually doesn't turn out that way. Unfortunately, most of the time they come as an abuser, deadbeat, jerk, or heart-breaker in Prince Charming or Superman's clothing. And that's when the ugly work begins. Us poor things, we have all had those times where we were completely blindsided by these circumstances thinking that it was OUR fault that the relationship ended the way it did, even if we weren't the ones that ended it.<br />
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All through our adolescent and young adult lives, we have turned ourselves inside out searching for our Superman because of our own expectations or even more cruelly, because of the expectations of others. And I am here to tell you that it is time to STOP.<br />
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You are worth SO much more than being made to feel like are a stupid, uncaring, worthless failure because you aren't able to fulfill certain divinely appointed roles at this moment in time. It is OK to be single.It is OK to LOVE being single. It is OK to pursue more education. It is OK to travel, and to learn, and to better yourself <i>just </i>because <i style="font-weight: bold;">you </i>want to. There is absolutely nothing wrong with any of this and you should tell whoever thinks otherwise to go stick it where the sun doesn't shine. Since when did they have <i>any </i>say in how you lived your life?! The answer? NEVER! It is absolutely none of their dang business.<br />
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So do you know what? You go take that trip to Ecuador to go help underprivileged children. You get that Masters degree in Political Science and International Studies. Move to New York City and break into Broadway.You go write the next great American novel. Go buy your own home. Go and be that foster mother to be a parent to children who don't have anyone in the world to call their own. Go and live your dreams. You do YOU. You do <u style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">not</u> need a man to make you feel like you are of worth and that your life is of value. You can be absolutely fabulous all on your very own and it is time that you start feeling like that is ok to do.<br />
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Now, I should be one to talk, because I don't feel like this yet, but I am working on it. I am working on being my own brand of fabulous and working on knowing deep down in the far recesses of my soul that I am and can be of worth without a man to make it so.<br />
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My final words to you are this: BE the Princess Charming or Superwoman that you KNOW deep down that you are. Whoever said that you couldn't? And then <i>only</i> if it strikes <i>your</i> fancy, you go rescue that poor idiot of a future husband who got himself stuck in a tree.<br />
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You don't need to wait for your Superman. You can be your own.Stephanie Annhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12206392326771154478noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2332394140699827970.post-69319924216969812442015-05-18T09:44:00.003-07:002015-05-18T09:52:16.183-07:00The Struggle <br />
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<header class="luna-data-header" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 22px;"><span class="dbox-pg" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 20px;">Anorexia Nervosa </span></header><header class="luna-data-header" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 22px;"><span class="dbox-pg" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 20px;">noun</span><span style="box-sizing: border-box;">, </span><span class="dbox-italic" style="box-sizing: border-box; display: inline; font-style: italic;">Psychiatry.</span></header><br />
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<span class="def-number" style="box-sizing: border-box; display: block; float: left; padding-right: 5px;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box;">1.</span></span></div>
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<span style="box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="oneClick-link" style="box-sizing: border-box;">an</span> <span class="oneClick-link" style="box-sizing: border-box;">eating</span> <span class="oneClick-link" style="box-sizing: border-box;">disorder</span> <span class="oneClick-link oneClick-available" style="box-sizing: border-box;">primarily</span> <span class="oneClick-link oneClick-available" style="box-sizing: border-box;">affecting</span> <span class="oneClick-link" style="box-sizing: border-box;">adolescent</span> <span class="oneClick-link" style="box-sizing: border-box;">girls</span> <span class="oneClick-link" style="box-sizing: border-box;">and</span> <span class="oneClick-link" style="box-sizing: border-box;">young </span><span class="oneClick-link" style="box-sizing: border-box;">women,</span> <span class="oneClick-link" style="box-sizing: border-box;">characterized</span> <span class="oneClick-link" style="box-sizing: border-box;">by</span> <span class="oneClick-link" style="box-sizing: border-box;">pathological</span> <span class="oneClick-link oneClick-available" style="box-sizing: border-box;">fear</span> <span class="oneClick-link" style="box-sizing: border-box;">of</span> <span class="oneClick-link" style="box-sizing: border-box;">becoming</span> <span class="oneClick-link" style="box-sizing: border-box;">fat,</span> <span class="oneClick-link" style="box-sizing: border-box;">distorted </span><span class="oneClick-link" style="box-sizing: border-box;">body</span> <span class="oneClick-link" style="box-sizing: border-box;">image,</span> <span class="oneClick-link" style="box-sizing: border-box;">excessive</span> <span class="oneClick-link" style="box-sizing: border-box;">dieting,</span> <span class="oneClick-link" style="box-sizing: border-box;">and</span> <span class="oneClick-link oneClick-available" style="box-sizing: border-box;">emaciation.</span></span></div>
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It's about to get real here, so if the thought of that scares you, you know the way out. </div>
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When I was in junior high I was overweight and it continued into my high school and college years. In junior high I was the quiet, teacher's pet-bookworm who loved school and checked out books three at a time at the library and did countless numbers of service projects to keep myself busy and tried to be friends with everyone. That didn't always work out... Not only was I picked on and teased by my classmates, but I was picked on, teased, and abused mercilessly by my father about how I looked. I looked around at all of my tiny friends who loved to go shopping and share each other's clothes and eat whatever they wanted because they never seemed to gain any weight. After all of the teasing and the hurt, I looked in the mirror, and at over 185 pounds, I was ashamed and resolved that I would do something about so I could look like everyone else. To blend in. After dieting and walking and exercising with no success, I turned to something that changed my life. And not for the better. </div>
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The first time I attempted my foray into anorexia I was caught by one of my best friends and she gave me a lecture/pep talk the likes of which no one has ever heard and it scared me into eating again. Even though I was afraid and ashamed every time food passed my lips. </div>
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Throughout the years my weight fluctuated. I lost 20 pounds in high school my sophomore year and managed to keep most of it off. But then college came and the fear of being fat grew. In a heartbreaking twist, I noticed that the more weight I lost, the more men paid me "positive attention". Because of my father and other circumstances at school, I didn't have any idea of what positive attention from men *was*, but because I was <i>so so </i>desperate for approval from at least one man in my life, I kept at it. And I kept at it. And I kept at it. I was around 150 pounds-ish my last semester of my senior year of college. </div>
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Fast forward to the summer of 2013, just after I finished my student teaching in Riverton, Utah. Just before I left Riverton, I made a plea to my Bishop to help me with my anorexia. I was beginning to get scared at how much weight I was losing. He dismissed it as <i>only </i>a coping mechanism for my stress as a flighty girl (he didn't actually say "flighty girl", but he might as well have) and I left his office and didn't give it another thought, though I was furious with my Bishop for how he treated me. </div>
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After I finished my student-teaching, I moved to Provo, Utah because it sounded like a good idea. And it was. There I made some of the best friends I'll ever have, but it was also there that my anorexia would again rear its ugly, emaciated head. Once I started working, I was eating around 700 calories a day. Sometimes a little more, sometimes a little less, but despite that I was ruthless and organized and careful about my calorie counting. Nobody could know. No one noticed because at parties and get-togethers they already knew I was intolerant to just about everything and they didn't give it a second thought as to why I wasn't eating. </div>
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A mere three months later I was offered a teaching position in Phoenix, Arizona and I took it. It was one of the best and worst decisions I've ever made. In Arizona, my stress level sky-rocketed and most of my money went to rent; a perfect breeding ground for my anorexia. It all went down-hill fast when I went through a hideous break-up with my boyfriend who was still living in Provo; it was the straw that broke the camel's back and I became even more determined to stick to my twisted sense of nutrition. </div>
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It was only when I was skyping with one of my best friends from college that I realized that something was hideously wrong. After chatting for a good long while, my friend paused and she said, "Stephanie...you're losing a lot of weight..." and I responded with, "I know!!! Isn't it great?!" I swooned over my teeny-tiny clothes as I showed them off to my friend and the light-bulb didn't flicker on until days later when I was looking at myself in the bathroom and I saw the deep, dark circles underneath my eyes and my prominent cheekbones. Something <i>was </i>wrong. A month or two later, I was on a plane home so I could convalesce in my mother's care with my, at the time, debilitating chronic migraines. I was around 130 pounds when I arrived home. </div>
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Below is a picture of me at the end of my Freshman year of college:</div>
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And below here is a picture of me <i>just </i>before I came home from Arizona:</div>
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It's a big difference, isn't it? I gained back some much needed weight (Around 40lbs) during the end of 2013-2014, but now, the anorexia monster is rearing its ugly head again. It is something that I'm dealing with, but there are things that I am asking you <i>not </i>to do because it could, in fact, make me worse. <a href="http://eatingdisorders.about.com/od/family_and_friends/a/What-Not-To-Say-To-Someone-With-Anorexia-Or-Bulimia.htm">http://eatingdisorders.about.com/od/family_and_friends/a/What-Not-To-Say-To-Someone-With-Anorexia-Or-Bulimia.htm</a></div>
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I'll keep this blog updated on my continuing journey, but just know that right now, the right people are aware and that this is being handled. It is a tumultuous time in my life while I try to handle my diseases and figure out just what exactly I'm supposed to do with my future and I'm often a stressed out crazy-mess of a person, but also know that I love you and I will do what I can to help you with whatever you need too. It helps to have people to serve. Love you. </div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-size: large;">"<span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; line-height: 19.1428565979004px; text-align: center;">Something has changed within me</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; line-height: 19.1428565979004px; text-align: center;">Something is not the same</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Verdana, Arial; line-height: 19.1428565979004px; text-align: center;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; line-height: 19.1428565979004px; text-align: center;">I'm through with playing by the rules</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Verdana, Arial; line-height: 19.1428565979004px; text-align: center;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; line-height: 19.1428565979004px; text-align: center;">Of someone else's game</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Verdana, Arial; line-height: 19.1428565979004px; text-align: center;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; line-height: 19.1428565979004px; text-align: center;">Too late for second-guessing</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Verdana, Arial; line-height: 19.1428565979004px; text-align: center;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; line-height: 19.1428565979004px; text-align: center;">Too late to go back to sleep</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Verdana, Arial; line-height: 19.1428565979004px; text-align: center;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; line-height: 19.1428565979004px; text-align: center;">It's time to trust my instincts</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Verdana, Arial; line-height: 19.1428565979004px; text-align: center;" /><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial; line-height: 19.1428565979004px; text-align: center;">Close my eyes and leap!"</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.1428565979004px;">p.s. And please, for the love of Pete, don't mention the anorexia to me in person or force me to talk about it. That just makes everyone feel </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.1428565979004px;">aca-awkward. </span></span></div>
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Stephanie Annhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12206392326771154478noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2332394140699827970.post-89814737142566557992015-03-08T23:10:00.001-07:002015-04-12T13:09:29.775-07:00Part One: A Letter to Lost Love Lost Love,<br />
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I need to make peace with you. You have not been kind to me.<br />
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First, I did something that I never thought I would do, never thought I would be capable of. I fell in love with an abusive man. Someone, who slowly, but surely began to cut me off from my friends and family. Someone who made me feel that I was only worth what my body looked like. Someone who was so physically forceful, he bruised me. Someone who made me afraid to say no. He never hit me, but there are other ways for bruises to show.<br />
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And then, I thought that after all I had been through, I finally caught a break . I met a wonderful man. A man who started to make me forget all the Hell I had been through. We decided to get married. A date for an August marriage was set. We prayed. We made plans. The official engagement ring was ordered, the temple was booked, I bought a dress, travel arrangements were made; everything was falling into place. And still, when I thought nothing could go wrong, it was all pulled out from underneath me. Two days after meeting the family, he left. Almost without an explanation. And I was broken.<br />
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And, a few months later, just when I had put myself back together, I got into a relationship that was perhaps the most damaging. One that you know very well. I loved you and you loved me. It was that simple. We had everything in common and we fit together like a hand and a glove. We were the couple everyone wanted to be. You put me back together. We were head over heels for each other and even though we knew that your internship in just over a month would force us to make some very difficult decisions, we weren't worried. We were happy. Ready and happy for whatever the future saw fit to bring us because we knew that after all we had both been through, our love for each other would keep us strong. Keep us together. If only. If...only. A week after meeting your family, you too, also left. What you did tore me up one side and down the other. I had to be <i>watched</i>; babysat, for lack of a better word, so that I wouldn't hurt myself. After <i>all</i> that I'd been through before you, what you did<i> </i>triggered a mental and emotional breakdown. W<i>hat you did </i>was the straw that broke the camel's back; my poor heart, soul, and spirit were nearly broken irrevocably. <i>You </i>left everything so hideously open ended that to this day I am still struggling to find closure.Which brings me to this next point.<br />
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I need to move on. I need to put myself back together. As hard as it is, I need to leave you behind. I need to leave behind the dump of toxic, hazardous waste that you have made me become. As much as I still love you, as much as I still <i>ache </i>for you in places that I didn't know existed, I can't keep doing this to myself. As much as I <i>know </i>how <i>much </i>you loved me, I need to find someone who will love me enough to stay. I need someone who will follow through on the plans they make with me. Someone who won't tell me how much they still love me, and still leave anyway.<br />
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I love you. I wish you the best.<br />
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Goodbye,<br />
<br />
StephanieStephanie Annhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12206392326771154478noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2332394140699827970.post-76036531866036530872014-09-05T22:01:00.001-07:002014-09-05T22:01:08.851-07:00DiagnosisI have been thinking about writing this post for the past couple of weeks and I have wondered time and time again where to begin. Many (most) of you know that for the past three years, I have struggled with crippling chronic migraines. You know that since being diagnosed with chronic migraines, my family and I have tried everything that was within our power to get me well and despite our best efforts, my health continued to decline. In the past three years I have been to two neurologists, an infectious disease specialist, a chiropractor, a massage therapist, a naturopath, an acupuncturist, a foot-zone specialist; I have had a lumbar puncture, at least six MRI's, several blood tests and blood panels done, several excruciatingly painful sessions of nerve-blocking shots, had Botox, tried literally every migraine pill on the market and even some medications discovered through medical studies that weren't used to treat migraines, just to see if they would make a difference. To the astonishment of my current neurologist, <i>none </i>of these solutions worked. Under his care, I have recently felt like a completely mute guinea pig. It felt like he kept throwing out random medications just to appease me. It felt like he wasn't hearing me and I was beginning to think that he didn't believe or care anymore how much pain I was in. I was beginning to lose hope. After my latest neurology appointment and not surprisingly getting anywhere, my mum and I decided that it was finally time to go search for answers elsewhere. So armed with three years of medical records and research, we did just that. And that was when my life began to change.<br />
<br />
My new doctor, funnily enough, is at a regular, old family clinic that just opened up just around the corner from my mum's work. She had a particularly good experience with him when she, herself, was sick and then again with my baby sister. Overcome with pain and exhaustion, and with a highly cynical attitude, I accompanied my mum to my first appointment. I was surprised to experience actually being <i>listened </i>to by my doctor. He was overcome with concern and was outraged that I had been through so much and been treated so poorly and carelessly by my other doctors. From that moment he sprang into action and within just <i>two </i>appointments, that's right, <i>two </i>appointments, my family and I got the answers that we'd been searching for for three years.<br />
<br />
I have been officially diagnosed with Fibromyalgia (this has been a big contributor to my severe migraines), Hypothyroidism, a heterozygous, genetic mutation that makes it impossible for my body to absorb vitamin B, and a couple of severe vitamin deficiencies. Needless to say that when I received this news, I became instantly overwhelmed. Overwhelmed that there were so many things that were making me sick. Overwhelmed that three of these sickness have no cure and I will have to deal with the rest of my life. And overwhelmed that my mother and I had suggested two of these diseases to my neurologist last year and just barely a few months ago and he dismissed them because they weren't strictly neurological. He even went so far as to call the heterozygous, genetic mutation fake and hyped up; that the doctor whose specialty this mutation is, was trying to take advantage of gullible people.<br />
<br />
But do you know what's great in spite of all of these intimidating and overwhelming things I've been diagnosed with? Now I have answers. Now I know that this pain I've been feeling for almost three solid years is not in my head. Now, I can begin to take the first steps on the road to recovery and the first steps to managing my diseases.<br />
<br />
This is only the beginning to what I am sure will be an excellent uphill climb towards better times and happier things. For the first time in three years, I can breathe easy knowing that I am finally learning how to take care of myself in the right way. And I no longer have to be afraid of the future. I can now go into it with open arms, armed with new and priceless knowledge to be the best version of myself I can be.<br />
<br />
P.S.<br />
Last week I didn't have a migraine for <i> five </i>straight days. That is an incredible something that has not happened since before I was diagnosed with chronic migraines three years ago. Things are looking up!<br />
<br />
<br />Stephanie Annhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12206392326771154478noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2332394140699827970.post-343590071227161082014-07-26T23:22:00.001-07:002014-07-26T23:22:05.497-07:00When Life Ceases To Make SenseWhen life ceases to make sense, what is it that you do with yourself? How do you cope? How do you continue to survive when everything you ever imagined or wanted for yourself has turned upside down and inside out? The answer? I wish I knew.<br />
<br />
It is a curious sensation to try and re-imagine,reinvent, and create new dreams for yourself after such an event and epiphany occurs. Everything is so confused and bizarre anyway that you can't make heads or tails of it. You don't know or have any clue about how you're going to do this, you just know that it has to be done, no matter what. It eats away at you like a perverse, ticking time bomb until you finally make one step towards reinvention.<br />
<br />
Eventually, slowly, very slowly, you start to make some headway. So, you're not getting married in the temple to the love of your life? FABULOUS! Work on receiving your endowments instead. You don't need a man to receive some of the blessings of the temple. You're not able to use your education degree in the traditional way because of a chronic illness? FANTASTIC. Tutor or teach private lessons! You can still make an impact and change a child's life working with them one on one. Men keep using you like a laboratory-trapped guinea pig over and over again? PHENOMENAL! Forget the dirt-bags, work and focus on yourself, became Lady Gaga fabulous, and make them rue the day that they dragged you through the dirt and let you go.<br />
<br />
I haven't got everything figured out yet, and I don't know if I ever will. But the point is that I'm trying, despite the horrifically sh***y hand that I've been dealt. I won't give up yet, though. It's not my time.<br />
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<br />Stephanie Annhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12206392326771154478noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2332394140699827970.post-35017041014753628362014-05-20T16:29:00.002-07:002014-05-21T21:32:58.521-07:00The Book of Love<div class="MsoNormal">
True
love. What does that mean? To you? To your family and friends? To the world? To
be quite honest, I truly think and believe that it means something different to
every individual who is lucky enough to encounter it. I also think that if you’re
very blessed and fortunate, you can experience it more than once. The idea of
soul-mates is a lovely one, but not something I really believe in. I know (from
experience), that there are at least a handful of “right” people out there that
you could build your life with. Each experience would be different, but you
would be just as happy with one as you would with one of the others. And if by
some chance, your relationship with one of these people doesn't work out, if it
crashes and burns, <i>does not</i> mean by
any stretch of the imagination, that it wasn't true and right and wonderful and
what you were supposed to be doing at that point in time. We need to remember that
each person has their free agency; that that particular fact is what makes true
love so beautiful in the first place.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Roughly
three months ago, at the beginning of March, I met a man I was supposed to
marry. We were happy and blessed, and in complete awe that we had found each
other under such strange circumstances. Despite the challenges we faced and the
opposition we received, especially from our family, we made it through because
we knew what we were doing was the right thing; that we would continue to be
blessed for our faithfulness. We loved each other and we were excited to get
married and start our new lives with one another. We threw ourselves into
frenzied wedding preparations; I bought my wedding gown and made arrangements
for alterations and called the temple and scheduled our sealing, he made a
budget, paid bills, and started looking at options for our honeymoon and for
our apartment. We shared our dreams, hopes, and fears with one another and kept
moving forward towards August.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But,
just a mere two days after he met my entire family at Easter dinner, he came to
my door ashen faced and told me that it was over. Midst the shock, pain, and
disbelief, I felt anger, sadness, and disappointment. I was hurt. I was
frustrated. And more than anything I wanted to shake him until his teeth
rattled; until I could knock some sense into him and rid him of the lies and
deceit that Satan had filled him with through friends and family. I knew deep
in my heart and soul that we were supposed to get married; that we were right
for each other. I couldn't believe that he had let his thoughts get so warped
that he would forget not only the answers that he got, but the answers I got,
and the ones that we got together. I couldn't believe that he had forgotten the
significance and importance of all the blessings we had received since making
the decision to get married. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It wasn't
until weeks later that I realized that his decisions and actions didn't change
the fact that our marriage was right. His actions didn't suddenly nullify our
answers and make our decisions together meaningless, our time together
worthless. If we had gotten married, it still would have been the right thing
to do and we would have been happy, of that I am certain. He had his agency.
And I had mine. I guess what I’m trying to say is, is that this man was just <i>one </i>of my right options that Heavenly
Father has in store for me. Just because it didn't work out with this particular
man, doesn't mean that it won’t work with another of Heavenly Father’s choices.
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Love is
multi-faceted. Each experience that each person in the world has is different.
No two love stories are alike. These facts are what make love so beautiful,
individual, and incredible. As a daughter or son of God, we have endless
potential and because of that, our lives have endless possibilities just
waiting for us to reach out and take them.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Just because this version of a Happily Ever
After didn't work for me, doesn't mean that I won’t still get one. I am not
bitter because of my broken engagement and cancelled wedding, on the contrary,
I am <i>grateful and hopeful. </i>I am
grateful and hopeful because I got to experience true love and when it comes
along next time, I will be able to recognize it and appreciate it and value it
that much more a second time around. I know that it is possible. It is not a
dream. It’s real and it’s out there. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I beg
of you to be open to all of the possibilities that life has to offer you, most
especially when it comes to love and making decisions that will affect the rest
of your life. Even if the possibility seems so incredible and ridiculous, such
as encountering someone you haven’t been with in a couple of years, reach out
and take it. You take that possibility and you run with it, knowing that God
will have your back the entire way; having faith that you can love again
because you did it once before.<br />
<br />
<br />
*Disclaimer:<br />
There is more behind what happened between he and I on that day, and there are other reasons he had for doing what he did, but I felt that it was only necessary to share enough information to give you an idea of what happened. </div>
Stephanie Annhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12206392326771154478noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2332394140699827970.post-69146812451010927772014-02-16T20:57:00.005-08:002014-02-16T20:57:58.004-08:00A "Thank You" Letter to Demi Lovato<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">Dear Demi, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">I know that's a long shot that you'll get this, but I just
wanted to thank you. <br />
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br />
<!--[endif]--></span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">Last year I worked in an inner-city school in Phoenix. I taught 8th grade English.Most of </span>the kids came from low socioeconomic backgrounds, single-parent families, we had lots of kids in foster care, we had two group
homes within our boundaries; many children were depressed with suicidal tendencies and many of them had come from an abusive home or situation and a fair few had family members that were in gangs. More often than not, I was the only adult in their life who cared whether they lived or died. </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">I was more than a little overwhelmed when I started teaching,
but then I realized what a difference I had the potential to make, largely due
to the fact that they were exactly where I was when I was their age. More than
anything, more than teaching them English, I wanted to inspire them. I wanted
to get them to believe in themselves, get them to understand that they didn't
have to listen to the people who told them "NO" or "You're not
good enough."; that they had the right and power to do whatever they
wanted, that they were capable of anything they set their minds to. Your music,
your story of overcoming your eating disorder and your addictions, was/is such
an inspiration to them. Being able to listen to your music during their school
day in my classroom was their little ray of hope and sunshine that got them
through the day. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">I have since had to quit and move away from Arizona due to
some serious health problems, but I just wanted to tell you this: A large
number of my old students just recently went to one of your concerts and they
were inspired and awe-</span>struck. You made them feel special and even if
just for a little moment, they believed in themselves because of you.
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">SO, what I really just wanted to say was "thank
you". Thank you for taking care of "my kids" and inspiring them
and believing in them when I don't have the ability to help them anymore. Thank
you. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">Sincerely and with greatest thanks,</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">Stephanie Ann McMurtrey</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Stephanie Annhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12206392326771154478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2332394140699827970.post-57345690438741350592014-01-01T11:45:00.004-08:002014-04-16T21:41:40.826-07:00A New Year, A Fresh Start <div class="MsoNormal">
Earlier this year when I was really struggling with my
eating disorder and severe depression, I hit a <i>very</i> low point, albeit a unique one for someone who struggles with
anorexia and depression. After an encounter with a very dear friend via skype who mentioned in
passing that it looked like I had lost a lot of weight, I stared at myself in
the mirror and was shocked at what I saw after <i>really </i>looking at myself. I had circles so dark underneath my eyes
that it looked like someone had punched me in the face, my cheekbones jutted
out, my clothes hung loose on me, and for once, I was afraid of what I was doing
to myself and how it was affecting me. I called my mother and I cried; asking
her over and over again. “What do I do?” </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Shortly after this confession, I moved home due to some
other serious health concerns and I started the long, hard road to recovery,
self acceptance, and ultimately, forgiveness. This has not been an easy road
for me to traverse; stuck at home and unable to drive or work due to crippling
chronic migraines, I have struggled to find my purpose because it seemed as
though everything I was and everything I had worked for was being ripped out
from underneath me. I was clinging as if my life depended on it to the things
that were no longer relevant to my journey and it was slowly killing me;
mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. God had a beautiful, new
plan for me, but I was shamefully ignoring Him and almost cursing Him as I
tried <i>by myself </i>to heal my broken
heart from the Hell I had been through and was still going through. And then through
sheer divine intervention, the courage to act, and the desire to change, one
day, I looked up and extended my hand to Him and slowly began to trust again. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Much has changed
since I moved home and most of it for the best. I am slowly, but surely
learning to love myself for who I am; for how God made me. I am His daughter
and God does <i>not </i>make mistakes. More
often than not, I have never really understood why God wanted me to do
something, but I did it anyway, knowing that He knows best and sees the whole
picture of my life when I can only see what’s in front of me. Since I moved
home, since following His plan for me, I have been blessed beyond my
imaginings. Things are still extremely difficult, but my blessings make it
easier to deal. God has given me beautiful, compassionate friends who have
cradled and held me in my darkest moments and celebrated with me my small
triumphs (like being able to take a walk or finally being able to eat three
meals a day) and God has given me some of my strength back so that I am able to do a
little more each day and even nanny once or twice a week. He has given me <i>so </i>much, and even though it’s been hard,
and even though I've wanted to give up multiple times, He gives me the strength
to keep on going. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
No matter what, God and Christ always know what’s best for
us. Even when we struggle, rage, scream, and beat against their guidance, they
patiently wait beside us, holding our hearts and hands until we are quiet
enough to hear Them. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Take what you've learned and been through this past year,
the good and the bad, and go forward with faith. Move forward with love in your
heart and the hope and excitement of good things to come. God loves you. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Happy New Year!</div>
Stephanie Annhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12206392326771154478noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2332394140699827970.post-34614212175778564792013-11-10T21:58:00.001-08:002013-11-10T22:02:19.053-08:00A Change and a Mighty WorkI have come to this conclusion:<br />
<br />
God is performing a change and a mighty work within me.<br />
<br />
Right now, at this moment, things are the hardest that they've been in a long time. Over the past little while I have come to understand a little better the role that God plays in my life and just how involved that He really is. He sees who we are now and He sees who we can be in the future; He sees <i>everything </i>and is beautifully and mercifully prepared for each possibility and each choice that we make.<br />
<br />
While I was unpacking a few weeks ago I came across a stack of filled and finished journals. I came across an entry and a description of a blessing that I had nearly forgotten about; one that happened during a significantly difficult time in my life. As I was reading this entry, everything that has happened to me over the past several months clicked into place and suddenly made sense. In this entry, God was giving me a warning. A caution against something that would not happen for almost two years.<br />
<br />
What's beautiful about this is that He <i>saw. </i>He knew the lessons that I <i>had </i>to learn; the ones that I would not be able to learn any other way. Lessons that were <i>essential </i>to my eternal progression. He saw what needed to happen and how hard it would be and He jumped right in to preparing me for what was to come even though it was in the distant future. This revelation was a wake-up call. I was feeling uninspired, worthless, and confused about my future and confused about the reasons for some recent trials and why I "wasn't" given any reason behind them.<br />
<br />
I was struggling. Struggling to heal from the trials and the unfortunate damage that had been done to me by them. Honestly, I was wondering if God really cared about me at all; if there was really any rhyme or reason to my trials or if they were just meaningless. And when I was at my weakest, God saw the danger that I was in, saw my sincere desire to know the truth and His will for me...... and then showed me what I needed to see so I could start to heal.<br />
<br />
I am thankful for God and for the role that He has played in my life so far. I am thankful for His sacrifice of sending His Only Begotten Son to earth to fulfill the Atonement. I am truly thankful for Christ's faith and his willingness to do our Father's will, even though he was scared. He saved us all so that we could have the opportunity to repent. So that we could all be together forever someday. Because of the atonement, I can begin to heal. Through the atonement I can learn to love myself and I can use that power to forgive others and use it to forgive myself.<br />
<br />
God and Christ <i>love</i> us. Whether we like it or not, they are in <i>every single part </i>of our lives. They see every possibility and future and they see our magnificent potential to be what we are destined to be.We absolutely need Them. I know that now.<br />
<br />
"Lord, I need you, oh I need you! Every hour I need you! My one defense, my righteousness! Oh God, how I need you."<br />
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<br />Stephanie Annhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12206392326771154478noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2332394140699827970.post-21169605565501275242013-09-02T18:18:00.001-07:002013-09-02T18:18:38.761-07:00Truths that Speak to Me at the Present Moment <a href="http://pinterest.com/pin/286611963758147195/">http://pinterest.com/pin/286611963758147195/</a><br />
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<a href="http://pinterest.com/pin/286611963758055948/">http://pinterest.com/pin/286611963758055948/</a>Stephanie Annhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12206392326771154478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2332394140699827970.post-28536653582633120882013-09-02T14:15:00.002-07:002013-09-02T14:24:51.408-07:00A Rebuke, A Call to Action, and A DeclarationThinking about it, the past month and a half or so has been absolute terror, torture, and hell, all rolled into one big, wretched mass of emotional and mental turmoil. I have moved from Provo, Utah to Phoenix, Arizona, and taken a brand spankin' new job teaching terribly ruthless eighth graders. I have officially started from scratch and I am officially a grown-up; living on eggs and potatoes, trying to strike out on my own, and make a life for myself. And you know what...? It kind of sucks rocks right now, I'm not going to lie to you. But, before I get into all of that and get off topic, I want to touch base on a few of the things that have been on my mind as of late. Ladies, you can stop reading here if you'd like, but men? Read on brothers, read on. This is for you and your comrades in arms.<br />
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I have had my heart ripped out of my *pardon my French* ass for the last time. Us women need men. We <i>need </i>men. <i>We </i>need men. We need <i>men. </i>Sure, it feels abso-freakin'-loutely spectacular to be cuddled, held, stroked, and, not to be particularly vulgar or anything, be French kissed every so often, but good GRIEF! Pull your heads out of your butts and COMMIT already! I am not something for you to play with whenever you feel like it. I am NOT someone for you to mess around with until you've decided you've had your fill and can now toss me aside. Us women need men who not only do the nice things I've mentioned above, but we need men who actually care about us, who actually <i>think </i>before they act; men who aren't afraid of commitment, men who aren't scared of finding someone to start the rest of their lives with. I am NOT, I repeat, NOT for you to experiment with when you're still trying to figure out who you are, what you want with you and what you want in your life, let alone what you want in a girlfriend and future spouse. Doing what I've described is just plain <i>mean, </i>downright <i>cruel, </i>and quite frankly, <i>inconsiderate </i>treatment of a fellow human being and child of God. <i>Stop it. </i>Just <i>STOP IT.</i><br />
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Now, I know that I am not perfect. Only Heaven knows how imperfect I actually am, but I am coming to the conclusion that I deserve respect and consideration and basic common courtesies when I am involved with someone, even when we are just starting to go on dates and not in an actual relationship. So boys (because that's what you're acting like), don't lie to me about how you're feeling because you're afraid to say what you really feel just in case it hurts my feelings, don't hold my hand, hug me, or most especially, <i>kiss me, </i>if you <b><i><u>don't mean it</u></i></b>. Save that garbage for the nuclear waste dump in your thick heads because it has no place in the real world. No one, and I mean, NO ONE, deserves to be treated like that. I don't care who you are or what you've done, but no one needs that extra baggage.<br />
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1. So, don't you <i>dare</i> come near me unless you have your act together. (Know who you are as a son of God and what you truly want out of life. I've had a hard enough time figuring out who <i>I </i>am and what <i>I </i>want and sorry, but I don't have the time to help you do that. <i>That's </i>something you need to do for yourself.)<br />
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2. Don't even think <i>twice </i>about holding me or kissing me until you're sure that you're in it for the long haul and that you're not just going to frolic off into the sunset when you've finished with me.<br />
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3. Don't you <i>even </i>entertain the thought of lying to me, because I <i>will </i>suss it out, and I <i>will</i> kick your trash. And so will all of my friends. And especially my baby sister. Don't mess with that chick. If you want me to be your girlfriend, you share things with me, not <i>hide </i>them from me.<br />
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4. Respect <i>me </i>and who I am as a daughter of God, and respect what that means. Can you imagine how horrified God is when He sees what you are doing to and how you are treating his precious daughters? You better take cover with that idiot metal strainer in the kitchen because a storm's coming for you.<br />
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Boys, rise up, and act like the men that God wants you to be; the men that He <i>expects </i>you to be. How can any of us expect to get to the Celestial Kingdom of God if you're acting like this? How eternally sad will God be if all of his precious daughters grow into old age and pass into the next life without ever experiencing an honest-to-goodness, heartfelt, true, and respectful relationship? How will He feel when this happens and that his precious daughters who righteously desired to have a family never got to birth their own children and raise them?<br />
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And don't you even <i>DARE </i>think about saying that this will happen because we're "picky". I would rather wait forty years for a right man who will treat me with honesty, integrity, kindness, respect, and love me for who I am, than settle for a <i>boy </i>who will treat me abominably ill and leave me when he's decided he's finished with me. <br />
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I am declaring that I am waiting for a <i>man </i>to come and find me and I am <i>no longer interested</i> in wasting my time with boys. So if you're a boy, go find something else to do with your time, and <i>if </i>you can <i>honestly </i>call yourself a <i>man, </i>step right up, because I've been waiting for you. I deserve better than what I've been given and I am willing to search for it, and if needs be, <i>wait for it</i>, until a right situation comes along.Stephanie Annhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12206392326771154478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2332394140699827970.post-3945717855628866252013-03-29T12:52:00.001-07:002013-03-29T12:52:05.994-07:00...Where do I belong...? It's at times like this that I've never felt more alone and lost. I am tired and exhausted, emotionally strung out and just downright confused. I am ready to find where I belong; I'm tired of wandering and feeling worthless.<br />
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Even now, when I'm nearing the completion of my Bachelor's degree, I'm student-teaching at a middle school, and I'm established in a great single's ward, I still feel like I'm not where I'm supposed to be. I feel like I don't fit in, no matter where I am. Being a devout member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is one of my biggest blessings, but it is also one of my biggest hardships. Every time I come to visit my home town, the only thing anyone ever asks me is, "Do you have a boyfriend? Are you dating anybody? Are you going to get married? <i>Why aren't you married yet?" </i><br />
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In the areas I'm in at least, there is a blatant disregard for my accomplishments in favor of the more "important" relationship gossip and my self-worth is based solely on whether or not I'm dating someone, engaged or getting ready to start a family. Most of the time I feel like I'm not worth much; this is because in a very close-knit culture where family and marriage is one of the most important accomplishments you can ever achieve, I am not involved in any of it. Not even a little bit. All of my friends and family have either or are, going on missions, getting engaged, getting married or having families and I'm just...floating. Even with all of the stuff that I'm involved in, I feel like I just don't belong. I feel like all that I've done and gone through and accomplished doesn't matter; no one seems to give a care that I've made it through a debilitating illness, gotten my bachelor's degree and performed as an actress with one of the most sought after directors at BYU-Idaho. Because I'm not on a mission or engaged or married or starting a family, nothing that I've done matters or has any worth, weight, or meaning behind it. People seem to look down on me; almost like they're asking why I'm wasting and have wasted my time doing the things that I've done. At least that's how I feel. I feel that because I haven't done and I'm not doing any of these things, I have no worth or place because I'm not "furthering the kingdom".<br />
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Most of the time I feel like an intruder on all of my friends and family's lives; a tiny piece of nondescript furniture in the background that just sits there and only adds to the scenery. Something that has no real place or purpose. I feel so awkward, lost, confused, and out of place. I feel like I don't belong with anyone or belong anywhere. I don't want to feel like that anymore; <i>I shouldn't have to. </i><br />
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Next on my list of things to do after I'm done with student teaching is to take the summer off and find myself and my purpose. I want to have time to just <i>be, </i>because after an entire lifetime of devoting myself to my studies, my friends, my family, basically anything and anyone else that didn't have to do with me, I think it's about time that I do something <i>just </i>for me. It's high time that I take care of <i>myself</i> and do what <i>I </i>want and what I <i>need. </i>And right now I need a sense of purpose, a place where I know that I belong. I'm done with feeling like I'm floating. I <i>know </i>with everything that I am, that there is <i>somewhere </i>I belong and that I have a distinct and special purpose meant <i>just </i>for me. I just don't know the <i>where </i>and <i>what </i>quite yet. It's nice for the rest of you who have done this for yourselves, but just know that I <i>haven't </i>yet and you have no place to judge me on where I am in my journey and I how I get there.<br />
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<br />Stephanie Annhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12206392326771154478noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2332394140699827970.post-73516259230248889782013-01-13T09:56:00.001-08:002013-01-13T09:56:19.399-08:00Deep WatersOn this quiet, Sabbath morning, while watching "Joseph Smith: The Prophet of the Restoration", I have come to realize something......I am <i>meant</i> to swim in deep waters. I don't know why I didn't realize this before. At the young age of twenty-two and a half, I have been through more than most people my age will go through in a lifetime. I have survived much and after listening to Joseph this morning, I have come to accept that it <i>will be this way for the rest of my earthly life</i>. <div>
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As of late, I have been scared, unsure, doubtful and exhausted in every way that it is possible to be exhausted. In my previous post I said, <span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">"<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18px;">Have you ever reached that situation where you don't know how you survived up to that point, and you don't know how you can go on, you don't know how much you have left to give and you're just......tired? And you just want to have control over </span><i style="background-color: white; line-height: 18px;">one </i><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18px;">thing in your life for </span><i style="background-color: white; line-height: 18px;">once</i><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18px;">, even if it's just for a few minutes? And you just want to be able to see what's in your future because you're so exhausted from stumbling blindly for </span><i style="background-color: white; line-height: 18px;">so</i><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18px;"> long in the darkness until the light somehow miraculously shows up at the end of the tunnel? I just want to be sure of things. Just once."</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18px;">But, after talking with some very dear friends of mine yesterday, one of them pointed something out to me, commenting on something I mentioned. He said that even though I have said that I am so spiritually and mentally exhausted that I cannot move even if I want to, that even when I ask questions of our Father in Heaven such as, "I can't DO this anymore. I can't MOVE. What more do you want of me? What more can I do? <i>What do you want me to do?" </i>He said that this is a sign of humility and that even though I'm tired, I still want to do God's will and <i>that </i>is what really matters. I know that now, and I also know that my life, this life, was not meant to be an easy one. There is a greater work for me to do, one that is bigger and brighter than myself, something that I cannot even comprehend or fathom. And in order to prepare me for that greater work, I <i>must</i> be put through the refiner's fire. <i>There is no other way. </i>I am <i>meant</i> to swim in deep waters. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18px;">"</span></span><a class="bookmark-anchor dontHighlight" href="" name="7" style="border: 0px; color: #486fae; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 22px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> </a><span class="verse" style="border: 0px; color: #2f393a; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 22px; margin: 0px 1px 0px 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">7 </span><span style="background-color: #f9f6ed; color: #2f393a; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 22px;">My son,</span><span style="background-color: #f9f6ed; color: #2f393a; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 22px;"> </span><a class="footnote" href="http://www.lds.org/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/121?lang=eng#" id="footnote15" rel="http://www.lds.org/scriptures/chapter/footnote/default.xqy?lang=eng&volumeUri=dc-testament&bookUri=dc&chapterUri=121&noteID=7a" style="border: 0px; color: #486fae; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 22px; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration: initial; vertical-align: baseline;">peace</a><span style="background-color: #f9f6ed; color: #2f393a; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 22px;"> </span><span style="background-color: #f9f6ed; color: #2f393a; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 22px;">be unto thy soul; thine</span><span style="background-color: #f9f6ed; color: #2f393a; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 22px;"> </span><a class="footnote" href="http://www.lds.org/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/121?lang=eng#" id="footnote16" rel="http://www.lds.org/scriptures/chapter/footnote/default.xqy?lang=eng&volumeUri=dc-testament&bookUri=dc&chapterUri=121&noteID=7b" style="border: 0px; color: #486fae; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 22px; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration: initial; vertical-align: baseline;">adversity</a><span style="background-color: #f9f6ed; color: #2f393a; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 22px;"> </span><span style="background-color: #f9f6ed; color: #2f393a; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 22px;">and thine afflictions shall be but a</span><span style="background-color: #f9f6ed; color: #2f393a; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 22px;"> </span><a class="footnote" href="http://www.lds.org/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/121?lang=eng#" id="footnote17" rel="http://www.lds.org/scriptures/chapter/footnote/default.xqy?lang=eng&volumeUri=dc-testament&bookUri=dc&chapterUri=121&noteID=7c" style="border: 0px; color: #486fae; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 22px; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration: initial; vertical-align: baseline;">small</a><span style="background-color: #f9f6ed; color: #2f393a; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 22px;"> </span><span style="background-color: #f9f6ed; color: #2f393a; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 22px;">moment;</span></div>
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<a class="bookmark-anchor dontHighlight" href="" name="8" style="background-color: transparent; border: 0px; color: #486fae; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> </a><span class="verse" style="background-color: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px 1px 0px 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">8 </span>And then, if thou <a class="footnote" href="http://www.lds.org/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/121?lang=eng#" id="footnote18" rel="http://www.lds.org/scriptures/chapter/footnote/default.xqy?lang=eng&volumeUri=dc-testament&bookUri=dc&chapterUri=121&noteID=8a" style="background-color: transparent; border: 0px; color: #486fae; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration: initial; vertical-align: baseline;">endure</a> it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy <a class="footnote" href="http://www.lds.org/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/121?lang=eng#" id="footnote19" rel="http://www.lds.org/scriptures/chapter/footnote/default.xqy?lang=eng&volumeUri=dc-testament&bookUri=dc&chapterUri=121&noteID=8b" style="background-color: transparent; border: 0px; color: #486fae; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration: initial; vertical-align: baseline;">foes</a>." </div>
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-Doctrine and Covenants 121: 7 & 8. </div>
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<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&v=irX0E4-mc9U&NR=1">http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&v=irX0E4-mc9U&NR=1</a></div>
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<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M0y1g3q9QVY">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M0y1g3q9QVY</a></div>
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Stephanie Annhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12206392326771154478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2332394140699827970.post-85315587892272844732012-12-31T15:06:00.000-08:002012-12-31T15:06:21.115-08:00TiredHave you ever reached that situation where you don't know how you survived up to that point, and you don't know how you can go on, you don't know how much you have left to give and you're just......tired? And you just want to have control over <i>one </i>thing in your life for <i>once</i>, even if it's just for a few minutes? And you just want to be able to see what's in your future because you're so exhausted from stumbling blindly for <i>so</i> long in the darkness until the light somehow miraculously shows up at the end of the tunnel? I just want to be sure of things. Just once.<br />
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I feel like I have given my all this year. I have trusted God when I was scared and sick and tired and alone; I have trusted Him when I couldn't see the end result, trusting that He would catch me at the bottom. I have sacrificed so much. I feel like I have nothing left to give anymore. I don't know how He's going to get me out of this situation; it's looking pretty bleak and scary at this point. I never ask this, but I could use your prayers. Please. Pray for me to trust God like all the times before; pray for me to have courage, to have the strength to do what I <i>must </i>do. Pray for me to be able to accomplish what He has told me that I<i> must </i>do. Pray for me to align my will with His, no matter what happens. Pray for me to find the joy in this bleak situation.Stephanie Annhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12206392326771154478noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2332394140699827970.post-51661086602777225322012-12-11T16:53:00.001-08:002012-12-11T23:27:21.610-08:00Changed for the Better: Fall 2012 College Graduation<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">With my college commencement just mere <i>days </i>away a lot has been going through
my mind. Looking back on this journey called Brigham Young University-Idaho, I
am in awe to see how much I’ve grown and to see how far I’ve come. Starting
here four and a half years ago, I was a bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, terrified 18
year old daughter of God who was so incredibly insecure of herself that it was
a miracle she could walk into a room without passing out. This scared young
woman ironically knew that she wanted to be a performer and she also knew that
she would do whatever it took to get there; even if that meant she wouldn’t get
married and have a family. I left for college with the mindset that I would prove
everyone wrong; that I would soon be on top of the performance world and laugh
at everyone who said “you can’t” from on high. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">But, I was a great actress, so I hid it all and
acted like nothing fazed me when it actually very much did. That year I also
made some incredible, wonderful life-long friends that I very much hope to be
in touch with for the rest of my life and beyond. Casey and Rebecca Buttle are
my rocks; they are my family and I am so grateful for them. They have been
there for me through thick and thin and have encouraged me to keep going when I
wanted to quit. I owe a lot to them, more things than I can say on this blog,
but I love them and I am so thankful that Heavenly Father saw fit to put them
into my life. They have changed me for the better. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The end of this week my friends, will bring to a
close one journey and start the beginning of another. After meeting new friends
while saying goodbye and good luck to old ones, through the ups and downs of
relationships and losing my first love, after going through the agonizing
decision of changing my major and trading my current dreams for new ones, after
the craziness of my home life, late nights studying in the snow building, after
being diagnosed with severe food intolerances, crippling, chronic migraines and
other health problems, through gigantic spiritual, physical, mental and
spiritual changes, after terrifying financial uncertainty…through all of <i>that…</i>I have <i>made</i> it. I <i>did</i> it. <i>WE </i>did it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">And now, four a half years later, through God’s
divine love and intervention, I am a 22 year old, educated, beautiful,
confident, driven and compassionate daughter of God. Through this journey called
college, I have learned to see myself for who I truly am; I have learned what
truly matters in life. I have come to embrace this imperfect body of mine for
the masterpiece and work-in-progress that it is. I know what my purpose in life
is and I also know what I have to do to obtain it and what I will have to do to
keep it. God has blessed me so much; through my trials He has taught me lessons
that I would not have been able to learn any other way and I am eternally
grateful that He loves me enough to hurt me. I would not be the person I am
today without His encouragement, guidance, reassurance and support. I would not
be who I am today with my trials. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">And to all of you who thought that I couldn’t; who
thought that I would <i>never </i>get here
and made a point of telling me so frequently, take a message back from me…… I’m
defying gravity and you <i>can’t </i>bring
me down. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">So, to start my thank you’s to all of the wonderful,
beautiful friends I have made and changed me for the better. Guys, this one’s
for you-<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">To Trish and Russell Dickerson- You have changed me
in ways that I cannot even begin to count. You have opened your hearts and your
home to me no questions asked and taken care of me like I was family. I will <i>never</i> be able to say how much you both
mean to me. I love you.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">To Cassie Burton- We’ve been through a lot together,
haven’t we? I want you to know that you are a strong, beautiful, and amazing
daughter of God. Do not change for others; but instead, love yourself for who
you are and do something that you want to do. You deserve that. We have been on
SO many ridiculous adventures and outings and made one another feel awkward in
ways that I will not even begin to describe here. (Ok, so maybe it was just YOU
making ME feel awkward.) We’ve been each other’s support when we had no one
else to turn to. Go out into this world my dearest heart and change it. Make
them remember Cassandra Burton. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">To Abbey Anderson- I have one question for you…do
you hear the people sing? Oh geez, we won’t get into that. I could be here for
hours. I am so grateful to have decided those TWO semesters out of my sophomore
year to live at American Manor. Without that decision, I would not have met
you. You have helped me and supported me through so much; you’ve nodded your
head when I ranted about auditions and crazy English professors, held me when I
cried over some idiot that broke my heart, let me crash at your apartment for a
week at a time when I had less than desirable living conditions, eagerly
discussed our mutual love for nerdy things and sampled my new, allergen free
recipes. Love ya! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">To the crazy, awesome, wonderful and downright </span></span><i style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 115%;">insane </i><span style="font-family: Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">friends and professors in the
BYU-Idaho theatre department (there are WAY too many of you to mention by name)-
Where do I even begin? All of you, every single one of you, have made my life
richer. </span></span><span style="font-family: Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">You've</span></span><span style="font-family: Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"> pushed me to be better and helped me to do so. </span><span style="line-height: 18px;">You've</span><span style="line-height: 115%;"> helped me
to hone my craft into something downright spectacular. It’s great to look back
and see how much </span><span style="line-height: 18px;">we've</span><span style="line-height: 115%;"> grown. I will never forget all of the wonderful things
that </span><span style="line-height: 18px;">we've</span><span style="line-height: 115%;"> done together and experienced with one another. I hope none of you
ever change. Now go out there and make me proud! (Shout out to all my Quilters’
gals!) <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">To my sister, Heather and her husband, Jeremy- I don’t
even know what to say. You have helped me grow so much. You have been my
spiritual support through some of the hardest things that I’ve ever had to go
through. You have been my sanctuary, my Mecca; the place I always go back to. Thank
you for being who you are and being the incredible examples that you are to me.
You’ve helped keep me on the right path, the path that God wanted me to be on
and I will be eternally grateful to you both for doing that. I love you. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">To my mother, Kelly- how do I even begin to thank
you for all that you’ve done for me? I suppose you’ll just say that all that
you’ve done is what any mother would do for her child, but you’re different.
You’re special and wonderful and I’m glad that you’re mine. I have learned so
much from you and I’m glad that you’ve been able to help me the way that you
have. Thank you for all of the encouragement, telling me to keep going, telling
me that I could do it; for the late night hospital visits and food and medicine
runs, for all of the doctor visits and believing me when they wouldn’t; for
looking out for my best interests and listening to me and being there for me
when I just needed my mum. You are an incredible person. Thank you for who you
are and what you do for me every day. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">To my incredibly talented and awesome friends in the
music department (again, there are just WAY too many of you to name)- Can I
just say how awesome you are? I’ve loved our time together laughing and eating
and concocting adventures that would make any sane person raise their eyebrows
in concern. Thank you for all of the fun nights at concerts, late night
sing-alongs to Enchanted and a special shout-out to my friends in collegiate;
for embracing and including me as if I were still in choir and joining in on
getting mad at a certain English professor. I hope to keep in contact with each
and every one of you for many, many years to come and I expect to get free
tickets to your professional concerts and copies of your CD’s before they’re
commercially available. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">To Desiree Ducharme- You have always been there for
me and even though it’s been a few years since we’ve seen each other, I know
that you always will be. I know that I can call you and talk to you for hours
like we’ve never been apart. You probably are the only person on this planet
who knows me better than I know myself. You’ve supported me so much and I love
you for that. Thank you for just <i>being </i>there.
I love you. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">There are just too many people to mention that have
been a part of my success at BYU-Idaho (Cody Dean, Megan Done, Ethan Bernard, Casey Pappas, Niki Ellis, Danielle Hart, Derek Clareidge, Tamara McLain, Jessica McCown, Allison Vest etc.) and I’m sad that I don’t have time to
mention all of you. If I did mention all of you, there would be pages and pages
of thank you’s that you or I would never be able to get through. So, here is one last song for us to share together that pretty much sums up how I feel about all of you. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">For Good- Wicked </span></div>
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Stephanie Annhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12206392326771154478noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2332394140699827970.post-70664539196206292512012-10-30T15:15:00.001-07:002012-10-30T15:15:40.026-07:00I'm NOT crazy, though sometimes, I feel like it...I'm NOT crazy, though sometimes, more often lately, I <i>feel </i>like it. Most of the time I'm flying by the seat of my pants and going wherever the wind and God blow me. I've taken a step off of the edge of the cliff of life into the void, free-falling and hoping that He will catch me at the bottom. Now more than ever, I'm learning what it feels like to take two steps into the darkness before I can even begin to see the light of my future. Even though I KNOW that everything will work out, a large part of me is still terrified that it won't. I am involved in so many different things this semester, most of which have to do with me completing requirements so that I can graduate AND to top it all off, most of these things, in order for them to work out, depend on the continued success of all of the other things and if one tiny thing goes out of place, it'll all blow up and fall down like a nuclear disaster of dominoes and you'll have to cart me off to the loony-bin in a straight jacket. Can ya see why I'm a little stressed out and crazy? Yeah, I thought so.<br />
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I just want everyone to know that even though it may not seem like it most of the time, God and I DO have everything handled. It's mostly Him though. ;) In the next coming months, I AM going to take things slow and I am going to involve God every step of the way. I know you think it's your job to make sure I don't do anything stupid, to make sure I don't get myself hurt or heartbroken, to make sure that I don't pounce when I shouldn't, and to make sure that I don't get my hopes up or rush into anything, but you know what? A lot of that isn't your business. I'm not trying to be rude, I'm just stating the facts. I love you all (you know who you are and whom I am referring to), but please let me try and figure this out. I know you are just trying to protect me, but it's not your job. I'm a big girl and I talk to Heavenly Father on a near-constant-basis; 24/7. I am blessed enough to know and be sure of the solid and unique relationship I have with Him, so you don't need to worry as much as you do. I'm not going to go ahead with anything in life without His say-so and approval. SO...chill-ax already, will ya? We've got it covered. I'm going to take things one day and one solitary step at a time because that's what I can do and that's what I can handle. Please try to understand that and know that I trust God enough to let Him lead me to where I need to be and to where I need to go, even if I'm doing it without being able to see where He's taking me.Stephanie Annhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12206392326771154478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2332394140699827970.post-67951414730912214302012-10-25T08:44:00.003-07:002012-10-25T08:44:40.941-07:00As For Me and My HouseThis song has been a great source of inspiration for me lately. I know things are tough right now, but I also know that I will be eternally blessed for following God's plan and for following Him and trusting in Him even when I can't see where I'm going. He loves you. You are a Child of God! Remember that and remember that glory is your destiny.<br />
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<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jjRiNL1HKns&NR=1&feature=endscreen">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jjRiNL1HKns&NR=1&feature=endscreen</a><br />
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<br />Stephanie Annhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12206392326771154478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2332394140699827970.post-13852919832026741992012-10-07T00:13:00.001-07:002012-10-07T00:13:17.523-07:00Ramblings...A lot has happened lately and a lot has been on my mind. So many things are happening and going on right now; I don't feel nearly old enough to be making all of the decisions I've been having to make. I don't feel like I'm nearly twenty-two and a half....I actually feel much, much older. If that makes any sense at all. You sometimes reach a point where you're just very, <i>very </i>weary and that also contributes largely to how old you feel. I've been through more than most people go through in three life times and it's starting to catch up to me, I suppose.<br />
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Within a few short months, I will be graduating college and going off to Utah to student teach and warp *cough* I mean, shape young minds in the ways and workings of theatre, my baby brother will be getting married early next year and I may or may not apply to graduate school in Oregon or Washington. There are also other things quickly emerging from the inky blue blackness of the ever approaching horizon that I am more than ready for and more than willing to accept and embrace. I am ready to accept with open arms this new and exciting and long-awaited for next chapter of my wonderful life here on this earth. I've learned much while going to school here in Rexburg.<br />
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I've learned the value of good friendships and that those treasured friendships will always be there for you, making Shirley Temples and tying knots in the leftover maraschino cherry stems, just to get you to crack a smile.<br />
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I've learned that it is always best to be prepared for any type of weather in Rexburg; for one minute it could be sunshiny and lovely, blowing your hair around in a most becoming way with the fallen leaves <i>or </i>it could quite more possibly, with the wind as a helper, blow you over, peel back your flesh from your face, freeze the insides of your nasal passages and make you feel as if you're reenacting the Martin and Willie Handcart Company trek as you struggle your way up the hill to the Hinckley building. Always wear a scarf.<br />
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I've learned the importance of pushing yourself to do things that you never would've imagined for yourself, for it opens up so many more doors to wonderful, beautiful, breathtaking, life-changing opportunities. Stretch yourself, push your limits, step outside of the confines of your little cardboard box and just let yourself <i>fly. </i>You may discover a deep love and appreciation for your new found loves and talents, but most importantly a oneness, a rightness and a deep love and appreciation for <i>yourself. </i><br />
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I have also, much to my dismay, learned what it means to fall in love and then to get your heart broken. There are some things that take a good deal of time to recover from, and some things, as much as you'd like them to leave, will probably always be there until one day, quite suddenly, they're only a distant and faded memory. There are reasons for which I have gone through this particular experience that I am eternally grateful for and I wouldn't trade what I've learned for anything, but sometimes I wish that I could just hold onto the feelings I felt and discovered and then be able to erase the memory of the man that gave them to me.<br />
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I have also, while going back and forth between home and Rexburg, what it means to really be in tune with the Holy Spirit and what it means to follow promptings the moment you receive them. I have learned the importance and eternal significance of the role of prayer in my life and what my life might be like without that beautiful blessing. I have also learned to recognize my answers to prayers and to lovingly and with faith, to accept them for what they are, and take them into my person. I have learned and I am still learning, what it really means to have faith and trust in God and to <i>really and truly </i>love Him as my Father. He knows me better than I know myself and ultimately, He knows what plans He has for my life and that they will all work out, one way or another, even if I don't see it that way. He has wonderful plans in store for me within the next few months and I will continue to do everything that is within my power to be worthy of those special plans and blessings, for more than anything else in this world, I need and <i>want </i>what He is going to bestow upon me and I can't wait.<br />
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So I guess what I have to say at the end of all of this ridiculous fluff is... don't give up. Keep going, keep trudging forward, one day and one step at a time. Your destiny awaits you, all you have to do is look up, reach out and grab it. It's coming.<br />
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"<i>Do not </i>let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not quite, the not-yet, the not at all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you deserved <i>can </i>be won. It exists, it is real, is possible, it is <i>yours.</i>" -Ayn Rand<br />
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And don't let anyone tell you different; not even yourself.<br />
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<br />Stephanie Annhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12206392326771154478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2332394140699827970.post-52169470864043026432012-09-03T16:04:00.000-07:002012-09-03T16:04:19.605-07:00A rant, if you please.<a href="http://stephanie-ann-mcmurtrey.blogspot.com/2012/04/day-one-five-ways-to-win-my-heart.html">http://stephanie-ann-mcmurtrey.blogspot.com/2012/04/day-one-five-ways-to-win-my-heart.html</a>
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Ok ya'll, this is just a random rant and with that in mind, I want you to also keep the above post on your little check list as you read this.<br />
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When it comes to relationships, men need to keep in mind that with me, they're probably getting more than they bargained for. Because of how I have been treated in past relationships, because of my abusive childhood, I am...and I hate to say this...I am extremely high maintenance. I am very needy and I need <i>constant </i>reassurance about my significant other's affections for me. I get scared easily, I get incredibly insecure and when that happens, my mind goes into over drive and pretty soon I've concocted up a horrible scenario in which the boy in question is a veritable Cowboy Casanova and I've convinced myself that all of the lovely things he's said to me were all to get me to give out my kisses like pretzels. If a man has made it far enough into my life that I have started to give my trust to him, them he needs to step it up and do all that he can to keep it that way! I know that sounds terrible and demanding, but that's just the way that I am. My past has made me who I am today, but with that comes a few things that make relationships difficult. I have been used, abused and ripped up one side and down the other and made to feel smaller and more insignificant than any girl should ever have to feel. In my relationships, I need to feel like I matter and that I'm special and valuable and worthwhile. I <i>need </i>to be made to feel like the daughter of God that I am and I don't think that's too much to ask.Stephanie Annhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12206392326771154478noreply@blogger.com0