Thursday, April 12, 2012

Day Two: Things You Want to Say to an Ex

Day Two: Things You Want to Say to an Ex

You were the first boy that I ever actually enjoyed kissing, the first boy I couldn't get enough of.

And let's face it, the first time I saw you, I thought you were the most gorgeous person since Leonardo DiCaprio first hit the big screen in Titanic. I was thrilled when we became friends in our English class and over the moon when I figured out we could have an actual conversation without it being awkward. I will say that I was disappointed when the semester ended and we still hadn't gone on a date, but I wrote you off and put you on the back burner and moved on with my life. I wish it would've actually been that easy......

I didn't expect to see you that day in church in August and I didn't expect you to be so thrilled to see me. I didn't expect for us to hit it off so well. I loved being with you. I loved flirting with you. It was as easy as breathing......and it was fun. You made me laugh and you made me feel special...and when you kissed blood boiled. But as it always happens in my relationships, I got scared and I ran and I laid your heart on a silver platter for the vultures to feast on.

I never understood what the big deal about break ups was until I ended things with you. I ran to my sister's house five and a half hours away to get away from the aching, oozing hole that had been ripped into my chest. I thought that if I was able to get away from everything that was familiar, everything that reminded me of you, that I would be okay. But it followed...and no matter what I did, no matter what I said or wrote...I thought about you. Even after I ended it, all I wanted to do was be with you. And two weeks later when my vacation ended, I told you that. I thought that if we were really meant to be together then you would understand why I ran, that you would understand why I got scared, that if I explained, that you would nod and take me back and everything would be okay and it would be like none of this mess had ever happened. I thought you were someone worth fighting for. But I was wrong...

I don't think you understood what it meant for someone like me, who's been though what I've been through, to tell you everything that I felt and was thinking about you. It was an extreme leap of faith for me to do what I did and say what I said. Saying what I said to you, me trusting that you wouldn't do anything to hurt me, is probably akin to someone standing stark naked in the middle of a crowd or someone going on stage to sing a solo only to realize that they've forgotten all the words. All they want to do is to escape from the mortification and humiliation; all they're doing is hoping that someone will save them from this hell that they're in. They feel exposed and scared and helpless and anxious and confused.

I'm not saying that you didn't have a right to feel how you did and say what you said, but would it have hurt you to be human?! Would it have hurt you to be kind to someone who was drowning, to lend a hand?! All I wanted was closure, but you didn't even have the balls, the common decency to let me say this to you in person or even over the phone. I know your pride was hurt and your feelings were hurt and what I did was wrong, but was this really necessary for you to try and reciprocate the humiliation you felt by  reducing something so important to me by forcing us to communicate this over text messages? I about died when you said you didn't feel the same way anymore. All this proved to me was that your feelings weren't ever as deep as mine and that you only ever wanted me for one thing...and this knowledge was excruciating.

After this was all said and done, I ached in places that I didn't even know existed. I tried to distract myself by jumping at the chance to move into a new singles ward. I tried to distract myself by keeping myself busy with family home evening and job hunting and shopping trips and cooking and long walks and bawl-fest sessions with my counselor, but there you were. Always lurking in the back of my mind, I was unable to escape from the one person I didn't want to think about. I ached this way for a long time. You broke something inside of me. You destroyed something precious that wasn't very strong or confident to begin with. It took me months to get to the point where I didn't think about you constantly; to get to the point where I didn't sob uncontrollably whenever you popped into my head.

It has taken me and Heavenly Father nearly a year to repair the damage you did. And even now, when I know my worth and potential and I know how special and important I am, there are still very, very faint traces of you left; the memory of how you treated me trying to influence my actions in my current relationship. And even though I am grateful for what this heartbreaking lesson has taught me, even though I'm grateful for how strong it has made me, I want to forget you.

So now, I am writing you off and saying goodbye to memories that don't have a place in me anymore. I am moving on with my life. I am happy and I am making something of myself. I am in a place and state of mind where you don't matter. I don't want the memory of you or how you treated me to have an affect on me anymore and so now, it won't. I have someone who actually cares about the real me.

Goodbye and good riddance.

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