Tuesday, October 30, 2012

I'm NOT crazy, though sometimes, I feel like it...

I'm NOT crazy, though sometimes, more often lately, I feel like it. Most of the time I'm flying by the seat of my pants and going wherever the wind and God blow me. I've taken a step off of the edge of the cliff of life into the void, free-falling and hoping that He will catch me at the bottom. Now more than ever, I'm learning what it feels like to take two steps into the darkness before I can even begin to see the light of my future. Even though I KNOW that everything will work out, a large part of me is still terrified that it won't. I am involved in so many different things this semester, most of which have to do with me completing requirements so that I can graduate AND to top it all off, most of these things, in order for them to work out, depend on the continued success of all of the other things and if one tiny thing goes out of place, it'll all blow up and fall down like a nuclear disaster of dominoes and you'll have to cart me off to the loony-bin in a straight jacket. Can ya see why I'm a little stressed out and crazy? Yeah, I thought so.

I just want everyone to know that even though it may not seem like it most of the time, God and I DO have everything handled. It's mostly Him though. ;) In the next coming months, I AM going to take things slow and I am going to involve God every step of the way. I know you think it's your job to make sure I don't do anything stupid, to make sure I don't get myself hurt or heartbroken, to make sure that I don't pounce when I shouldn't, and to make sure that I don't get my hopes up or rush into anything, but you know what? A lot of that isn't your business. I'm not trying to be rude, I'm just stating the facts. I love you all (you know who you are and whom I am referring to), but please let me try and figure this out. I know you are just trying to protect me, but it's not your job. I'm a big girl and I talk to Heavenly Father on a near-constant-basis; 24/7. I am blessed enough to know and be sure of the solid and unique relationship I have with Him, so you don't need to worry as much as you do. I'm not going to go ahead with anything in life without His say-so and approval. SO...chill-ax already, will ya? We've got it covered. I'm going to take things one day and one solitary step at a time because that's what I can do and that's what I can handle. Please try to understand that and know that I trust God enough to let Him lead me to where I need to be and to where I need to go, even if I'm doing it without being able to see where He's taking me.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

As For Me and My House

This song has been a great source of inspiration for me lately. I know things are tough right now, but I also know that I will be eternally blessed for following God's plan and for following Him and trusting in Him even when I can't see where I'm going. He loves you. You are a Child of God! Remember that and remember that glory is your destiny.


Sunday, October 7, 2012


A lot has happened lately and a lot has been on my mind. So many things are happening and going on right now; I don't feel nearly old enough to be making all of the decisions I've been having to make. I don't feel like I'm nearly twenty-two and a half....I actually feel much, much older. If that makes any sense at all. You sometimes reach a point where you're just very, very weary and that also contributes largely to how old you feel. I've been through more than most people go through in three life times and it's starting to catch up to me, I suppose.

Within a few short months, I will be graduating college and going off to Utah to student teach and warp *cough* I mean, shape young minds in the ways and workings of theatre, my baby brother will be getting married early next year and I may or may not apply to graduate school in Oregon or Washington. There are also other things quickly emerging from the inky blue blackness of the ever approaching horizon that I am more than ready for and more than willing to accept and embrace. I am ready to accept with open arms this new and exciting and long-awaited for next chapter of my wonderful life here on this earth. I've learned much while going to school here in Rexburg.

I've learned the value of good friendships and that those treasured friendships will always be there for you, making Shirley Temples and tying knots in the leftover maraschino cherry stems, just to get you to crack a smile.

I've learned that it is always best to be prepared for any type of weather in Rexburg; for one minute it could be sunshiny and lovely, blowing your hair around in a most becoming way with the fallen leaves or it could quite more possibly, with the wind as a helper, blow you over, peel back your flesh from your face, freeze the insides of your nasal passages and make you feel as if you're reenacting the Martin and Willie Handcart Company trek as you struggle your way up the hill to the Hinckley building. Always wear a scarf.

I've learned the importance of pushing yourself to do things that you never would've imagined for yourself, for it opens up so many more doors to wonderful, beautiful, breathtaking, life-changing opportunities. Stretch yourself, push your limits, step outside of the confines of your little cardboard box and just let yourself fly. You may discover a deep love and appreciation for your new found loves and talents, but most importantly a oneness, a rightness and a deep love and appreciation for yourself. 

I have also, much to my dismay, learned what it means to fall in love and then to get your heart broken. There are some things that take a good deal of time to recover from, and some things, as much as you'd like them to leave, will probably always be there until one day, quite suddenly, they're only a distant and faded memory. There are reasons for which I have gone through this particular experience that I am eternally grateful for and I wouldn't trade what I've learned for anything, but sometimes I wish that I could just hold onto the feelings I felt and discovered and then be able to erase the memory of the man that gave them to me.

I have also, while going back and forth between home and Rexburg, what it means to really be in tune with the Holy Spirit and what it means to follow promptings the moment you receive them. I have learned the importance and eternal significance of the role of prayer in my life and what my life might be like without that beautiful blessing. I have also learned to recognize my answers to prayers and to lovingly and with faith, to accept them for what they are, and take them into my person. I have learned and I am still learning, what it really means to have faith and trust in God and to really and truly love Him as my Father. He knows me better than I know myself and ultimately, He knows what plans He has for my life and that they will all work out, one way or another, even if I don't see it that way. He has wonderful plans in store for me within the next few months and I will continue to do everything that is within my power to be worthy of those special plans and blessings, for more than anything else in this world, I need and want what He is going to bestow upon me and I can't wait.

So I guess what I have to say at the end of all of this ridiculous fluff is... don't give up. Keep going, keep trudging forward, one day and one step at a time. Your destiny awaits you, all you have to do is look up, reach out and grab it. It's coming.

"Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not quite, the not-yet, the not at all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you deserved can be won. It exists, it is real, is possible, it is yours." -Ayn Rand

And don't let anyone tell you different; not even yourself.