It's been two weeks. Two weeks today since I woke up, around 5:30 or 6:00 in the morning, to cramping and bleeding. Cramping and bleeding that wouldn't stop. Just a few days before, a dear friend had sent me a scripture. And I kept repeating that scripture over and over again in my head as I prayed for this nightmare to stop. 1st Samuel 1:27. "For this child I prayed; and the Lord hath given me my petition which I asked of him." I can't tell you how many times I repeated that scripture in my head. I repeated it so much that it stopped sounding like real words and started sounding like gibberish. Soon, my husband had to leave for work, and two of my sisters-in-law showed up to be my support. I spent the morning curled up in my bed, in increasing pain, tears streaming down my face, praying constantly.
Hours later, it was all over. We got an emergency appointment at the OB/GYN's office and went in to get things checked out, hoping against all hope, clinging to my sister in law for support. But after an ultrasound and a visit with an OB/GYN, my worst fears were confirmed. I had a complete miscarriage.
I cannot begin to describe the depths of my despair. I had cried, many times before in my life, but never before had I cried like this. It seemed like it would never stop. I couldn't breathe; my chest felt tight. I was in so much pain. Not just physically, but emotionally as well. I never imagined in my life that someone could hurt like this and still live to tell about it.
I felt like I would break in two. I still feel like that, most days. I fight daily to overcome my still raging hormones, my still raging emotions. Most days, I still don't know what to do with myself. I try to distract myself by rearranging my closet or watching Netflix, taking walks, or even cooking. But inevitably, something will remind me of what I've lost and I am right back where I started from.
I struggled with whether or not to share my story, my experience. But in the end, I decided to share because even though this baby didn't live, it still deserves to be remembered, treasured, and cherished. My miscarriage is not something shameful; it has taken a lot for me to finally realize that I didn't cause this, that I didn't do anything wrong. Even though my baby didn't live, I still love them, with everything that I have inside of me. I share this story also, in the hopes that I bring strength and comfort to the women how have been through or are going through what I have gone through. You are NOT alone. I am here for you. We can get through this together.
I am grateful for the fact that I was sealed for time and all eternity to my husband. This means, to me, that even though my baby didn't make it, someday, I will get to raise them and be with them forever. They are not lost to me; I will get to see them someday.
I am taking each day, one day, at a time. So while it may take a while for me to be able to sit through church, surrounded by children and new mommies, without crying, I know that someday, I won't hurt as much. That someday, even though I will never forget my time as a mother, it won't occupy my every waking thought and I will be able to move forward. I know that I am loved and supported by my family, my friends, by God, and that is what is getting me through this heartbreaking and difficult time.
My dear friends, if you have gone through this, or are going through this, please don't hesitate to talk to me. I have found, that even though it's painful, it helps to talk about what happened to me. We are stronger together.
Much love and support,
Stephanie Ann Rochette