Wednesday, March 31, 2010


I am going to prepare an audition for GLEE even if it kills me! By April 26th, 2010, I will have submitted a video to myspace and kicked everyone's TRASH and the producers/directors of GLEE will realize they have found the next big thing!!!

Tuesday, March 30, 2010


Have you ever felt SO bone dead tired that all of your joints ache? Like the connections at your elbows, at your knees, at your shoulders, etc. And you have a monstrous headache and ear aches on top of it.... That's kind of how I feel right now... I think my body is trying to get sick...but I'm not letting it because I have WAY too many things to do between now and the end of the semester. I am SOOO ready to be done with this semester. I am SO sick of an hour and a half of British Literature, an incompetent and annoying hag bent on running me and the class into the ground with useless, tedious and time consuming busy work and a Family Foundations class where I just waste my time because I already know all of the information and the teacher dislikes me because I actually have an opinion and it's REALLY different from anyone elses. I need a break....and I intend on getting to Salt Lake City......somehow.... ha ha anyone care to help me with that?

"Shed no tears for me
There'll be rain enough today
I'm wishing you godspeed
As I wave you on your way
This won't be the first time
I've stayed behind to face
The bitter consequences
Of an ancient fall from grace
I'm a daughter of the race of Cain
I am not a stranger to the rain

Orphan in the storm
That's a role I've played before
I've learned not to tremble
When I hear the thunder roar
I don't curse what I can't change
I just play the hand I'm dealt
When they lighten up the rations
I tighten up my belt
I won't say I've never felt the pain
But I am not a stranger to the rain

And for the boy who's given me the sweetest love I know
I wish for you another love so you won't be alone
Because I am bound to walk among the wounded and the slain
And when the storm comes crashing on the plain
I will dance before the lightning to music sacred and profane

Oh, shed no tears for me
Light no candle for my sake
This journey I'll be making
Is one we all must make
Shoulder to the wind
I'll turn my face into the spray
And when the heavens open
Let the drops fall where they may
If they finally wash away the stain
From a daughter of the race of Cain
I am not a stranger to the rain

Let it rain

-Stranger to the Rain, Children of Eden

Monday, March 29, 2010

I know what I'm going to do......

I've finally decided what I'm going to do. All of the other things I was THINKING of doing, just felt wrong, even when I was just thinking of doing them. Anyone else who disagrees with what I think can just stick it in their juice box and suck it. I'm going to cut off contact (or at least what I can manage to do) with that person and I'm probably going to delete their number from my phone. I don't need to worry about it and I don't need to keep thinking about changing my mind, because I already know what I'm going to do. I'm not going to change my mind about my current dating situation anytime soon because I'm not going to get myself into a heap of ridiculous trouble because I decided I wanted to disobey God again. it's just not going to happen. So yes people, I may be a hermit and I may be that way for a few more months, but you know what...? It's MY decision. I'm going to do what feels right to me. I'm going to do what I feel and believe that God has told me to do. I may get my heart broken and I may be squished into the floor with humiliation and stupidity, but then again, I may not. That's the beauty of hope and answers to prayers; they have the ability to go either way. I have faith that I'm making the right decision. Any other comments or suggestions? Good, that's what i thought. So all I'm asking is that you support me in the answers to prayers that I've gotten. I know that just because God told me to wait for that particular time, doesn't mean that when it gets here, that every thing that encompasses that particular situation, isn't going to happen. It's going to take some time and even after that, it may not happen at all. I UNDERSTAND that it might not. Just let me do what I believe to be right, okay?

Sunday, March 28, 2010

All I ever wonder......

"These violent delights have violent ends, And in their triumph die, like fire and powder, which, as they kiss, consume." -The Tragedy of Romeo and Juliet, Act II, Scene vi

All I ever wonder at the end of the day is if I did the right thing. If the decisions I've made are the right ones. Life is a gift to us through which we live to glorify our Father in Heaven and to work hard and prove to ourselves and to Him that we are worthy to come back into his presence. When your life starts to fall apart as mine has, it's hard to know where to start; where to pick up the pieces. If you're falling apart from the inside you start with yourself, or with others? And if you're to start putting yourself back together through others, how do you do it, how do you help them if you can't even take care of yourself? It's a puzzling conumdrum, one of which I am having trouble with. I'm not sure where to start, either with myself or with others.

Monday, March 22, 2010

It all depends on my faith in God......

Sitting in Children's Literature while my teacher blathered on about something relatively unimportant, I decided this. My success in life all depends on my faith in God. Without that key component, I won't be able to function. I need to have faith that the blessings God has promised me in my patriarchal blessing WILL come to pass in their own time. I need to remember that and not get impatient. I need to remember that they WILL happen, even if I doubt their validity sometimes. Like I said before, I'm just taking one step at a time, one day at a time, because I know that somehow, even though it doesn't seem like it... I'll get through it. I can't give up. I need to keep the faith and believe in myself and the plan God has for me. I'm just having a hard time doing it.

"Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
When your heart's heavy
I...I will lift it for you

Don't give up
Because you want to be heard
If silence keeps you
I...I will break it for you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

Don't give up
It's just the hurt that you hide
When you're lost inside
I...I will be there to find you

Don't give up
Because you want to burn bright
If darkness blinds you
I...I will shine to guide you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

You are loved
Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
Don't give up
Every one needs to be heard
You are loved"

-Josh Groban


Wow, I think I must be THE worst blogger in the world! ha ha Well you know what? I've decided to make the best out of what I have been given because there is nothing else for me to do besides that. I just need to suck it up and remember that God wouldn't be God if He didn't know what he was doing. I just need to remember that. I'll post later...but now I have to get ready for class. Urgh...I SOOOO can't wait for the semester to be over with! I'm sick of this nonsense! haha

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Is there something wrong with me?

Why can't I be happy? Why can't I enjoy the blessings that God has given me? Why is it, that everytime I look in the mirror, I wish it wasn't me looking back? Why don't I have any hope anymore? Is it so wrong of me not to want to date? What is so WRONG with me, that guys never give me a second glance? Everyone expects me to go out on dates and laugh and be care free and have fun, but how can I do that if no one ever asks me to go anywhere? I feel like I'm back in high school, the fat bookworm no one pays attention to...except I'm not in high school anymore. I want so much; I want so many things. I want to have a career; I want to get married in the temple;I want to have children and to finally hold a son or daughter in my arms, cradling them, knowing that they're mine, a part of me forever. I want all of that so much that it aches in places I didn't even know existed, but the more I go through life, the more experiences I have, the more I'm convinved that this will never happen for me. I have been through WAY too much. I'm going to be the Runaway Dater for the rest of my life because I can't form attatchments, I can't just relax and have fun; I bolt each and every chance I get. I am ruined for life. Dating is just uncomfortable for me and the guy I want to date, the guy who is easy to date, isn't here and it's more than likely that I'm just building him up in my head and it will NEVER happen. Why do I do this to myself? I can't picture finding the right one for me, ever. I can't picture or even fathom a person that I never want to leave, never want to lose, want to spend the rest of eternity with. It just seems like a fairytale and I'm the Ugly Stepsister. Is it asking too much to just want to be happy? For all the things I want to come true and not be just cruelly out of reach?

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Okay, so here is my explanation......

My dear, dear friends, it has been an excruciatingly long time since I made a post. A VERY long time. My life has been so hectic it's pretty much made my head spin with me vomiting pea soup or something gross like that...... Anyway, it's been bad. This journey of self discovery has been a hard one lately. Such as the mechanics screwing me over and now I have basically no money left to live on for the four remaining weeks of the semester. I am completely broke. and I got a parking ticket. TOTALLY lame. If there was more parking near the Benson, then this NEVER would have happened!!! Like I have the money for ANOTHER parking sticker! Despite what people may think about my various and useful skills, I CANNOT pull money out of my butt. It's just not happening. Besides, who wants money that's been pulled out of a butt????

All I know is, is that God MUST have something amazing and great and wonderful in store for me, otherwise he wouldn't be putting me through this. That just has to be it. "If God Brings You To It, He Will Guide You Through It." I dearly and sincerely hope that I have enough faith for this to work. Satan is definitely taking advantage of my weakened spiritual state right now and it feels like He is doing everything in his power to make me fail. But you know what? I. WILL. NOT. LET. IT. HAPPEN. I won't allow it. I will find some way, somehow, to pull myself up and out of the dark hole that I'm in.

On another note, I have officially changed my major, and it is staying that way. I am a Theatre and Speech Education Major with a minor in English Education. I'm going to be THE most amazing Drama-Theatre/Glee teacher in the history of mankind. END of story. It is not necessarily the answer that I wanted, but it's the one that I got, so I'm going to make the best of it. If anything, I have learned the hard way what happens when you go against God's plan. It's not pretty and I don't intend to spend my life trying to weasel my way around what he wants for me. I'm going to listen and do what He says; even if I don't like it, even if I HATE it. I'm gonna do it because I know that God knows what's best for me.

There's a light In the darkness
Though the night Is black as my skin
There's a light Burning bright
Showing me the way
But i know where i've been
There's a cry In the distance
It's a voice That comes from deep within
There's a cry Asking why I pray
the answer's up ahead
yeah' Cause i know where i've been
There's a road
We've been travelin'
Lost so many on the way
But the riches
Will be plenty Worth the price
The price we had to pay
There's a dream In the future
There's a struggle That we have yet to win
And there's pride In my heart
'Cause i know where i'm going
Yes I do !And i know where i've been Yeah

There's a road (There's a road)
We must travel (We must travel)
There's a promise (There is a promise)
We must make (That we must make)
But the riches (oh but the riches)
Will be plenty (The riches will be plenty)
Worth the risk (Worth the risk)
And chances that we take (and the chances that we)
There's a dream
Yeah yey yeah In the future There's a struggle
That we have yet to win
Use that pride
In our hearts To lift us up
Until tomorrow 'Cause just to sit still Would be a sin

I know it, i know it
I know where i'm going

Miss Maybelle
Lord knows i know.. Where i've been

Miss Maybelle & ENSEMBLE
Oh! When we win, I'll give thanks to my god 'Cause i know where i've been!