Saturday, March 13, 2010

Is there something wrong with me?

Why can't I be happy? Why can't I enjoy the blessings that God has given me? Why is it, that everytime I look in the mirror, I wish it wasn't me looking back? Why don't I have any hope anymore? Is it so wrong of me not to want to date? What is so WRONG with me, that guys never give me a second glance? Everyone expects me to go out on dates and laugh and be care free and have fun, but how can I do that if no one ever asks me to go anywhere? I feel like I'm back in high school, the fat bookworm no one pays attention to...except I'm not in high school anymore. I want so much; I want so many things. I want to have a career; I want to get married in the temple;I want to have children and to finally hold a son or daughter in my arms, cradling them, knowing that they're mine, a part of me forever. I want all of that so much that it aches in places I didn't even know existed, but the more I go through life, the more experiences I have, the more I'm convinved that this will never happen for me. I have been through WAY too much. I'm going to be the Runaway Dater for the rest of my life because I can't form attatchments, I can't just relax and have fun; I bolt each and every chance I get. I am ruined for life. Dating is just uncomfortable for me and the guy I want to date, the guy who is easy to date, isn't here and it's more than likely that I'm just building him up in my head and it will NEVER happen. Why do I do this to myself? I can't picture finding the right one for me, ever. I can't picture or even fathom a person that I never want to leave, never want to lose, want to spend the rest of eternity with. It just seems like a fairytale and I'm the Ugly Stepsister. Is it asking too much to just want to be happy? For all the things I want to come true and not be just cruelly out of reach?

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