Earlier this year when I was really struggling with my eating disorder and severe depression, I hit a very low point, albeit a unique one for someone who struggles with anorexia and depression. After an encounter with a very dear friend via skype who mentioned in passing that it looked like I had lost a lot of weight, I stared at myself in the mirror and was shocked at what I saw after really looking at myself. I had circles so dark underneath my eyes that it looked like someone had punched me in the face, my cheekbones jutted out, my clothes hung loose on me, and for once, I was afraid of what I was doing to myself and how it was affecting me. I called my mother and I cried; asking her over and over again. “What do I do?”
Shortly after this confession, I moved home due to some other serious health concerns and I started the long, hard road to recovery, self acceptance, and ultimately, forgiveness. This has not been an easy road for me to traverse; stuck at home and unable to drive or work due to crippling chronic migraines, I have struggled to find my purpose because it seemed as though everything I was and everything I had worked for was being ripped out from underneath me. I was clinging as if my life depended on it to the things that were no longer relevant to my journey and it was slowly killing me; mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. God had a beautiful, new plan for me, but I was shamefully ignoring Him and almost cursing Him as I tried by myself to heal my broken heart from the Hell I had been through and was still going through. And then through sheer divine intervention, the courage to act, and the desire to change, one day, I looked up and extended my hand to Him and slowly began to trust again.
Much has changed since I moved home and most of it for the best. I am slowly, but surely learning to love myself for who I am; for how God made me. I am His daughter and God does not make mistakes. More often than not, I have never really understood why God wanted me to do something, but I did it anyway, knowing that He knows best and sees the whole picture of my life when I can only see what’s in front of me. Since I moved home, since following His plan for me, I have been blessed beyond my imaginings. Things are still extremely difficult, but my blessings make it easier to deal. God has given me beautiful, compassionate friends who have cradled and held me in my darkest moments and celebrated with me my small triumphs (like being able to take a walk or finally being able to eat three meals a day) and God has given me some of my strength back so that I am able to do a little more each day and even nanny once or twice a week. He has given me so much, and even though it’s been hard, and even though I've wanted to give up multiple times, He gives me the strength to keep on going.
No matter what, God and Christ always know what’s best for us. Even when we struggle, rage, scream, and beat against their guidance, they patiently wait beside us, holding our hearts and hands until we are quiet enough to hear Them.
Take what you've learned and been through this past year, the good and the bad, and go forward with faith. Move forward with love in your heart and the hope and excitement of good things to come. God loves you.
Happy New Year!