Sunday, March 8, 2015

Part One: A Letter to Lost Love

Lost Love,

 I need to make peace with you. You have not been kind to me.

First, I did something that I never thought I would do, never thought I would be capable of. I fell in love with an abusive man. Someone, who slowly, but surely began to cut me off from my friends and family. Someone who made me feel that I was only worth what my body looked like. Someone who was so physically forceful, he bruised me. Someone who made me afraid to say no. He never hit me, but there are other ways for bruises to show.

And then, I thought that after all I had been through, I finally caught a break . I met a wonderful man. A man who started to make me forget all the Hell I had been through. We decided to get married. A date for an August marriage was set. We prayed. We made plans. The official engagement ring was ordered, the temple was booked, I bought a dress, travel arrangements were made; everything was falling into place. And still, when I thought nothing could go wrong, it was all pulled out from underneath me. Two days after meeting the family, he left. Almost without an explanation. And I was broken.

And, a few months later, just when I had put myself back together, I got into a relationship that was perhaps the most damaging. One that you know very well. I loved you and you loved me. It was that simple. We had everything in common and we fit together like a hand and a glove. We were the couple everyone wanted to be. You put me back together. We were head over heels for each other and even though we knew that your internship in just over a month would force us to make some very difficult decisions, we weren't worried. We were happy. Ready and happy for whatever the future saw fit to bring us because we knew that after all we had both been through, our love for each other would keep us strong. Keep us together. If only. If...only. A week after meeting your family, you too, also left.  What you did tore me up one side and down the other. I had to be watched; babysat, for lack of a better word, so that I wouldn't hurt myself. After all that I'd been through before you, what you did triggered a mental and emotional breakdown. What you did was the straw that broke the camel's back; my poor heart, soul, and spirit were nearly broken irrevocably. You left everything so hideously open ended that to this day I am still struggling to find closure.Which brings me to this next point.

I need to move on. I need to put myself back together. As hard as it is, I need to leave you behind. I need to leave behind the dump of toxic, hazardous waste that you have made me become. As much as I still love you, as much as I still ache for you in places that I didn't know existed, I can't keep doing this to myself. As much as I know how much you loved me, I need to find someone who will love me enough to stay. I need someone who will follow through on the plans they make with me. Someone who won't tell me how much they still love me, and still leave anyway.

I love you. I wish you the best.

Goodbye,

Stephanie

6 comments:

  1. Anything thing affirming I think of writing sounds trite so just know that I am proud of you and the strength you have found to move on from it all. And I will always love you and pray for you my dear friends.

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  2. What?!? Why?!? why. WHY?!! uuugh. sorry, steph. ugh. that's horrible. did you ever find out why? guys always have just the most mind-bogglingly stupid reasons for the things they do, which makes me feel better. like, this one guy i was in love with (super emotionally abusive and manipulative, i realized later. yay hindsight) dumped me, and about 8 months later his ex girlfriend had his baby... the coward wouldn't even tell me what he'd done. i mean, getting another girl pregnant while we're still involved was an excellent reason for us not to be together, but it should have been MY reason, not his. he knew i would have left him, but he wanted me to think it was some deficiency in ME that made him leave. ugh. i'm still mad, but at least after that there was nothing left in me that still wanted to be with him. if you don't have your own closure, you can use mine. i can basically guarantee that, whatever their reasons, they're equally repugnant

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  3. Man, Steph. I see this stuff, and it kind of makes me glad that guys leave me alone. I've only been on one truly bad situation, but it was my fault because I didn't have the guts to say no until I did things I wish to this day that I'd never even thought of that. I don't excuse predators or abusers in any way, but in my own case, I own part of the blame.

    But the rest of the time? I'm almost glad I'm stuck in the friend zone of every guy I know. As frustrating as it is for me to love the one man who will never reciprocate my feelings, I think I'm less afraid of that than I am of letting people get close enough to rip me apart, because life does a good enough job on it's own. I prefer being prickly like a cactus and as emotionally available as a rock because that kind of vulnerability terrifies me.

    You are a much stronger person than I am.

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  4. Man, Steph. I see this stuff, and it kind of makes me glad that guys leave me alone. I've only been on one truly bad situation, but it was my fault because I didn't have the guts to say no until I did things I wish to this day that I'd never even thought of that. I don't excuse predators or abusers in any way, but in my own case, I own part of the blame.

    But the rest of the time? I'm almost glad I'm stuck in the friend zone of every guy I know. As frustrating as it is for me to love the one man who will never reciprocate my feelings, I think I'm less afraid of that than I am of letting people get close enough to rip me apart, because life does a good enough job on it's own. I prefer being prickly like a cactus and as emotionally available as a rock because that kind of vulnerability terrifies me.

    You are a much stronger person than I am.

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    Replies
    1. Love you, sweet girl. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

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