Tuesday, December 6, 2016

The Self-Esteem Battle

*Sigh* Many of you know that due to my depression and eating disorder and chronic illnesses, I have terrible self esteem. And it's starting to rear it's ugly head again and I'm not sure what to do about it. Being mostly homebound during the day, it makes it hard. I feel useless because I'm not able to work. I don't feel of worth, even though I'm working very hard to be a good wife. I just feel like it's not enough. It's never enough.

I have a love/very strong hate relationship with my body. On one hand, I love it because I'm able to walk,and  talk, and see, hear, taste, touch, smell the world around me. I love that my arms can hold and comfort a child. That I can make good food with my hands, with my mind. I love that my body has given me the ability to sing and make myself and those around me feel well and feel blessed. BUT on the other hand, I hate that walking and talking, seeing, hearing, tasting, touching, smelling, EVERYTHING, makes me tired. My whole body aches after holding a child and my arms feel like they're about to fall off. I hate that if I cook too much for a long period of time, it will send me head first down the rabbit hole of chronic illnesses and I won't be able to get out of bed for days. My body is hyper sensitive and everything sets me off. I hate that I have to be so careful. And I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I just want to feel useful again. I hate that my body doesn't work the way it's supposed to. I hate that it just does what it wants and I'm being dragged along to the horse races, with no say in the matter.

I'm so sorry about the negativity in this post, but it's truly how I feel. And don't even get me started on the appearance of my body. I've recently become obsessed with how much I weigh, carefully watching the numbers as they go up and down. I don't see the beautiful potential my body could be, could have; I see what I don't have. I don't fit into a certain size of jeans. I am more round than I am straight. I feel as though I'm getting bigger and bigger and not able to stop. I feel as though nothing looks good on me anymore. Instead of wearing the fitted, form hugging shirts and vintage outfits I love so much, I'm opting for sweaters and baggy cardigans so I don't have to look at myself. I'm so hard on my body and I just push and push, trying to make it better, when in fact because of my illnesses, I usually make it worse. Though there is no way that I can become obese because of the strict diet I'm on, I still have that awful fear. That that's what I'm slowly becoming. I don't know how to get out of this rut and it terrifies me. It's starting to affect so much more than I want it to.

HELP.  What do you guys do when you're in a rut like this? How do you get out of it? How do you make yourself feel better? How do you make yourself like your body? How is it that you are not so hard on it? What do you DO?

5 comments:

  1. I don't have an eating disorder, but I do have times where I go for weeks hating the way I look. I used to be thin and in shape and now I have a "spare tire" and a bigger booty and thighs. I like having short mirrors so I only have to see my top half when I feel like this.

    I think the thing that helps me the most is being able to treat myself to a spa treatment, dress up, go do something fun or eat somewhere nice, and remind myself that my appearance is only part of me. What I do for others and who I am on the inside is far more important than my outer appearance.

    I'm still vain, so I know I'll continue to feel this way until I have a better shape again, but I think I have to start loving my body the way it is now before I can truly have the motivation to start taking care of it properly.

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    1. I love to go to the spa! I just don't do it very often because of a lack of money. BUT I am getting a free massage next week! I can't wait. Thank you for your comments and God bless you in this holiday season!

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  2. I had to learn to find fashions that showcase my body as is. I've had to learn how to accentuate the positives even when the negatives cannot be eliminated (talking about life in general and not just my figure or fashion.) Try studying your patriarchal blessing.

    I recently started running regularly to help a friend form a healthy habit. But it wasn't healthy for me because I lost weight. So now I'm doing everything with the goal of being kind to myself. Doing so consistently has helped me learn to believe that I am worth it.

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