I am beautiful, smart, strong and courageous.
I am a future wife and a future mother.
I am a daughter of God.
I am a sister and friend.
I am of infinite worth.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Day Two: Things You Want to Say to an Ex
Day Two: Things You Want to Say to an Ex
You were the first boy that I ever actually enjoyed kissing, the first boy I couldn't get enough of.
And let's face it, the first time I saw you, I thought you were the most gorgeous person since Leonardo DiCaprio first hit the big screen in Titanic. I was thrilled when we became friends in our English class and over the moon when I figured out we could have an actual conversation without it being awkward. I will say that I was disappointed when the semester ended and we still hadn't gone on a date, but I wrote you off and put you on the back burner and moved on with my life. I wish it would've actually been that easy......
I didn't expect to see you that day in church in August and I didn't expect you to be so thrilled to see me. I didn't expect for us to hit it off so well. I loved being with you. I loved flirting with you. It was as easy as breathing......and it was fun. You made me laugh and you made me feel special...and when you kissed me...my blood boiled. But as it always happens in my relationships, I got scared and I ran and I laid your heart on a silver platter for the vultures to feast on.
I never understood what the big deal about break ups was until I ended things with you. I ran to my sister's house five and a half hours away to get away from the aching, oozing hole that had been ripped into my chest. I thought that if I was able to get away from everything that was familiar, everything that reminded me of you, that I would be okay. But it followed...and no matter what I did, no matter what I said or wrote...I thought about you. Even after I ended it, all I wanted to do was be with you. And two weeks later when my vacation ended, I told you that. I thought that if we were really meant to be together then you would understand why I ran, that you would understand why I got scared, that if I explained, that you would nod and take me back and everything would be okay and it would be like none of this mess had ever happened. I thought you were someone worth fighting for. But I was wrong...
I don't think you understood what it meant for someone like me, who's been though what I've been through, to tell you everything that I felt and was thinking about you. It was an extreme leap of faith for me to do what I did and say what I said. Saying what I said to you, me trusting that you wouldn't do anything to hurt me, is probably akin to someone standing stark naked in the middle of a crowd or someone going on stage to sing a solo only to realize that they've forgotten all the words. All they want to do is to escape from the mortification and humiliation; all they're doing is hoping that someone will save them from this hell that they're in. They feel exposed and scared and helpless and anxious and confused.
I'm not saying that you didn't have a right to feel how you did and say what you said, but would it have hurt you to be human?! Would it have hurt you to be kind to someone who was drowning, to lend a hand?! All I wanted was closure, but you didn't even have the balls, the common decency to let me say this to you in person or even over the phone. I know your pride was hurt and your feelings were hurt and what I did was wrong, but was this really necessary for you to try and reciprocate the humiliation you felt by reducing something so important to me by forcing us to communicate this over text messages? I about died when you said you didn't feel the same way anymore. All this proved to me was that your feelings weren't ever as deep as mine and that you only ever wanted me for one thing...and this knowledge was excruciating.
After this was all said and done, I ached in places that I didn't even know existed. I tried to distract myself by jumping at the chance to move into a new singles ward. I tried to distract myself by keeping myself busy with family home evening and job hunting and shopping trips and cooking and long walks and bawl-fest sessions with my counselor, but there you were. Always lurking in the back of my mind, I was unable to escape from the one person I didn't want to think about. I ached this way for a long time. You broke something inside of me. You destroyed something precious that wasn't very strong or confident to begin with. It took me months to get to the point where I didn't think about you constantly; to get to the point where I didn't sob uncontrollably whenever you popped into my head.
It has taken me and Heavenly Father nearly a year to repair the damage you did. And even now, when I know my worth and potential and I know how special and important I am, there are still very, very faint traces of you left; the memory of how you treated me trying to influence my actions in my current relationship. And even though I am grateful for what this heartbreaking lesson has taught me, even though I'm grateful for how strong it has made me, I want to forget you.
So now, I am writing you off and saying goodbye to memories that don't have a place in me anymore. I am moving on with my life. I am happy and I am making something of myself. I am in a place and state of mind where you don't matter. I don't want the memory of you or how you treated me to have an affect on me anymore and so now, it won't. I have someone who actually cares about the real me.
Goodbye and good riddance.
You were the first boy that I ever actually enjoyed kissing, the first boy I couldn't get enough of.
And let's face it, the first time I saw you, I thought you were the most gorgeous person since Leonardo DiCaprio first hit the big screen in Titanic. I was thrilled when we became friends in our English class and over the moon when I figured out we could have an actual conversation without it being awkward. I will say that I was disappointed when the semester ended and we still hadn't gone on a date, but I wrote you off and put you on the back burner and moved on with my life. I wish it would've actually been that easy......
I didn't expect to see you that day in church in August and I didn't expect you to be so thrilled to see me. I didn't expect for us to hit it off so well. I loved being with you. I loved flirting with you. It was as easy as breathing......and it was fun. You made me laugh and you made me feel special...and when you kissed me...my blood boiled. But as it always happens in my relationships, I got scared and I ran and I laid your heart on a silver platter for the vultures to feast on.
I never understood what the big deal about break ups was until I ended things with you. I ran to my sister's house five and a half hours away to get away from the aching, oozing hole that had been ripped into my chest. I thought that if I was able to get away from everything that was familiar, everything that reminded me of you, that I would be okay. But it followed...and no matter what I did, no matter what I said or wrote...I thought about you. Even after I ended it, all I wanted to do was be with you. And two weeks later when my vacation ended, I told you that. I thought that if we were really meant to be together then you would understand why I ran, that you would understand why I got scared, that if I explained, that you would nod and take me back and everything would be okay and it would be like none of this mess had ever happened. I thought you were someone worth fighting for. But I was wrong...
I don't think you understood what it meant for someone like me, who's been though what I've been through, to tell you everything that I felt and was thinking about you. It was an extreme leap of faith for me to do what I did and say what I said. Saying what I said to you, me trusting that you wouldn't do anything to hurt me, is probably akin to someone standing stark naked in the middle of a crowd or someone going on stage to sing a solo only to realize that they've forgotten all the words. All they want to do is to escape from the mortification and humiliation; all they're doing is hoping that someone will save them from this hell that they're in. They feel exposed and scared and helpless and anxious and confused.
I'm not saying that you didn't have a right to feel how you did and say what you said, but would it have hurt you to be human?! Would it have hurt you to be kind to someone who was drowning, to lend a hand?! All I wanted was closure, but you didn't even have the balls, the common decency to let me say this to you in person or even over the phone. I know your pride was hurt and your feelings were hurt and what I did was wrong, but was this really necessary for you to try and reciprocate the humiliation you felt by reducing something so important to me by forcing us to communicate this over text messages? I about died when you said you didn't feel the same way anymore. All this proved to me was that your feelings weren't ever as deep as mine and that you only ever wanted me for one thing...and this knowledge was excruciating.
After this was all said and done, I ached in places that I didn't even know existed. I tried to distract myself by jumping at the chance to move into a new singles ward. I tried to distract myself by keeping myself busy with family home evening and job hunting and shopping trips and cooking and long walks and bawl-fest sessions with my counselor, but there you were. Always lurking in the back of my mind, I was unable to escape from the one person I didn't want to think about. I ached this way for a long time. You broke something inside of me. You destroyed something precious that wasn't very strong or confident to begin with. It took me months to get to the point where I didn't think about you constantly; to get to the point where I didn't sob uncontrollably whenever you popped into my head.
It has taken me and Heavenly Father nearly a year to repair the damage you did. And even now, when I know my worth and potential and I know how special and important I am, there are still very, very faint traces of you left; the memory of how you treated me trying to influence my actions in my current relationship. And even though I am grateful for what this heartbreaking lesson has taught me, even though I'm grateful for how strong it has made me, I want to forget you.
So now, I am writing you off and saying goodbye to memories that don't have a place in me anymore. I am moving on with my life. I am happy and I am making something of myself. I am in a place and state of mind where you don't matter. I don't want the memory of you or how you treated me to have an affect on me anymore and so now, it won't. I have someone who actually cares about the real me.
Goodbye and good riddance.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Day One: Five Ways to Win My Heart
1. Be honest and have integrity. Rarely anything irritates me more than someone lying to me or being dishonest with me. What kind of a foundation is that to build a relationship on? It says a lot about who you are and what you stand for. If we give Satan the power, dishonesty has the ability to destroy lives and families and relationships. It isn't nice; it's sneaky, hurtful and underhanded and has no place inside the bodies of Children of God.
2. Love God More than You Love Me. I want a man to have a real and true testimony of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. I want him to live his life within the church and actively seek ways on how he can honorably use his priesthood. Don't live the gospel because it's what I want you to do; live it because you want to. Live your life in such a way that you will be prepared at any moment for the Second Coming to occur. When we get married and have a family, I want this man to be someone that I can call on in times of need because I will know that he has a solid foundation in Christ and I will know for certain that I can rely on and trust him because of his close relationship with God. I never had this from my father growing up and I want to make sure that my future children have access to it. I know from watching my oldest sister and her husband and family what a blessing having a worthy priesthood holder in the home is.
3. Acts of Service/unexpected surprises ot gifts. No, this does not mean I'm materialistic, this is just one of my love languages. It's one of the best ways to show me that you care by taking the time to get to know me, what I like and what can or will make me happy. Gifts or surprises or acts of service that have a show of time and thought behind them have the ability to prove to me that you care. It doesn't have to be big or showy at all, but rather something that you took time to think of. Flowers when I'm having a rough day, a copy of my favorite book when I need some down time, a picnic on a really warm and sunny weekend, a spontaneous trip to the movie theatre, ingredients to cook dinner with friends or maybe a copy of one of my favorite band's new CD's.
4. A Willingness to Go Along. I love Broadway musicals, Bollywood and foreign films, singing, dancing, lounging in Barnes and Noble for hours on end and bike rides. I like being indoors, nerdy t.v. shows like Doctor Who, Charmed and Merlin...humor me, please. :) I love Glee, cooking, Christian Rock, historical romance movies, Julie Andrews, Harry Potter, fancy dresses (or dresses in general), makeup, cereal, granola, washing my face, The Titanic, springtime, fall, traveling, Switchfoot, books, planning parties and weddings, the rain, doing hair, interpretive dancing with my little sister and I LOVE my nieces and nephew. You do not by any means have to do these things with me all the time, but it makes me feel special when you want to do something with me that I really have a passion for. And hey, this rule applies to me doing what you love too! If you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours! ;) And you can say you don't like something, just don't make fun of it. That really hurts my feelings.
5. (I will put this last one in later...dinner is calling my name!)
Words of Affirmation- "Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten." http://www.5lovelanguages.com/learn-the-languages/the-five-love-languages/
This says it perfectly.
2. Love God More than You Love Me. I want a man to have a real and true testimony of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. I want him to live his life within the church and actively seek ways on how he can honorably use his priesthood. Don't live the gospel because it's what I want you to do; live it because you want to. Live your life in such a way that you will be prepared at any moment for the Second Coming to occur. When we get married and have a family, I want this man to be someone that I can call on in times of need because I will know that he has a solid foundation in Christ and I will know for certain that I can rely on and trust him because of his close relationship with God. I never had this from my father growing up and I want to make sure that my future children have access to it. I know from watching my oldest sister and her husband and family what a blessing having a worthy priesthood holder in the home is.
3. Acts of Service/unexpected surprises ot gifts. No, this does not mean I'm materialistic, this is just one of my love languages. It's one of the best ways to show me that you care by taking the time to get to know me, what I like and what can or will make me happy. Gifts or surprises or acts of service that have a show of time and thought behind them have the ability to prove to me that you care. It doesn't have to be big or showy at all, but rather something that you took time to think of. Flowers when I'm having a rough day, a copy of my favorite book when I need some down time, a picnic on a really warm and sunny weekend, a spontaneous trip to the movie theatre, ingredients to cook dinner with friends or maybe a copy of one of my favorite band's new CD's.
4. A Willingness to Go Along. I love Broadway musicals, Bollywood and foreign films, singing, dancing, lounging in Barnes and Noble for hours on end and bike rides. I like being indoors, nerdy t.v. shows like Doctor Who, Charmed and Merlin...humor me, please. :) I love Glee, cooking, Christian Rock, historical romance movies, Julie Andrews, Harry Potter, fancy dresses (or dresses in general), makeup, cereal, granola, washing my face, The Titanic, springtime, fall, traveling, Switchfoot, books, planning parties and weddings, the rain, doing hair, interpretive dancing with my little sister and I LOVE my nieces and nephew. You do not by any means have to do these things with me all the time, but it makes me feel special when you want to do something with me that I really have a passion for. And hey, this rule applies to me doing what you love too! If you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours! ;) And you can say you don't like something, just don't make fun of it. That really hurts my feelings.
5. (I will put this last one in later...dinner is calling my name!)
Words of Affirmation- "Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten." http://www.5lovelanguages.com/learn-the-languages/the-five-love-languages/
This says it perfectly.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Stronger
It's hard to be strong, even when being strong is the only choice you have. I'm going to the doctor today to get my test results for my MRI and my bloodwork. The nurse explained that they can't give me the test results over the phone and then she said that my scans showed some abnormalities...what is that supposed to mean?! I'm absolutely terrified.
BUT, on the brightside, my migraines have gotten less frequent and it seems like my medicine is starting to kick in. Instead of being constantly in pain, I usually now only get a few sharp stabs/waves of pain every couple of days. It's not perfect, but it's definitely a start.
BUT, on the brightside, my migraines have gotten less frequent and it seems like my medicine is starting to kick in. Instead of being constantly in pain, I usually now only get a few sharp stabs/waves of pain every couple of days. It's not perfect, but it's definitely a start.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Shake it out!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&v=WbN0nX61rIs&NR=1
This is my new favorite song. Just listen to it; it'll make you feel good! :)
This is my new favorite song. Just listen to it; it'll make you feel good! :)
Friday, February 17, 2012
New Year, New Challenges
This year has been incredibly amazing, yet incredibly tough. I started school, saw friends I haven't seen in years, made new friends, started and ended a relationship, and started a migraine cluster...that never went away. The day before I came up to school in January I started another migraine cluster and like always, I expected it to last for two weeks and then for it to go away so life could get back to normal. That never happened.
For reasons unknown, my migraines, which usually appear every three to four months for two weeks, have become chronic. It has been almost two months since my migraines started. Hopefully by next week though I will have some answers. This is because my new neurologist had me get an MRI and a crazy amount of blood work done and the test results SHOULD be in by next week, if they aren't in already. I am hoping and praying for some answers soon because dealing with chronic migraines and trying to go to school and do homework and socialize and deal with all of the stuff that entails, is exhausting and debilitating. BUT through all of this, I'm trying to stay happy and upbeat and positive because I know that in all of this somewhere, there is a lesson to be learned. I know that Heavenly Father is watching out for me and that He cares about me and I know that He has been with me every step of the way.
SO, just for all of you that haven't been with me or around me since January, this is an excerpt from a letter I wrote to a friend who is on a mission for our church, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. This excerpt details some of the scarier beginnings of my migraines this year.
Written on January 20th, 2012
"Last week on Wednesday night/Thursday morning my mum finally came up to Rexburg and took me to the emergency room because it got so bad. They gave me an I.V. with fluids and pain killers and then because whatever they gave me made me really anxious they had to sedate me with a fair amount of Benadryl to help me calm down and to help me sleep. It was really scary. I’ve never had to go to the emergency room for something like that before. We got back to my apartment about 2:00 a.m. Thursday morning and I slept that whole entire day, only waking up for a few hours to email my teachers and submit some homework via email.
I thought the worst was over, but Friday morning I woke up and my head was just throbbing like crazy. I took one type of migraine medicine and then another a few hours later when the first one didn’t work. Even both kinds working together didn’t do a thing. I had two classes that day and I had to get my student teaching paperwork signed so I trudged across campus and quite honestly, I don’t know how I did it. I think Heavenly Father was definitely with me that day; I am surprised I didn’t collapse on campus somewhere. I was somehow able to sit through my first class and afterwards realized there was no way in Heaven I was going to be able to sit through orchestra and I called my mum to see what I should do. She was at work and all of my siblings were either at work or school and she suggested I see if I could get one of my friends to take me to the doctor. Thank goodness one of the first calls I made I was able to get my friend Charles to take me to the doctor’s office and they gave me two shots of heavy-duty pain killers and a prescription for a daily migraine preventative. Saturday was a bit scary because I blacked out in the hallway on the way back to my bedroom and collapsed on the floor. (I hit the wall and fell to the floor.) Luckily it was just because I got really dizzy and I got up a few seconds later!"
I also want to thank all of my friends, family and anyone else who has been helping me to get by these past two months. Your support means so much more than I will ever be able to express. Thank you.
~Stephanie Ann
For reasons unknown, my migraines, which usually appear every three to four months for two weeks, have become chronic. It has been almost two months since my migraines started. Hopefully by next week though I will have some answers. This is because my new neurologist had me get an MRI and a crazy amount of blood work done and the test results SHOULD be in by next week, if they aren't in already. I am hoping and praying for some answers soon because dealing with chronic migraines and trying to go to school and do homework and socialize and deal with all of the stuff that entails, is exhausting and debilitating. BUT through all of this, I'm trying to stay happy and upbeat and positive because I know that in all of this somewhere, there is a lesson to be learned. I know that Heavenly Father is watching out for me and that He cares about me and I know that He has been with me every step of the way.
SO, just for all of you that haven't been with me or around me since January, this is an excerpt from a letter I wrote to a friend who is on a mission for our church, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. This excerpt details some of the scarier beginnings of my migraines this year.
Written on January 20th, 2012
"Last week on Wednesday night/Thursday morning my mum finally came up to Rexburg and took me to the emergency room because it got so bad. They gave me an I.V. with fluids and pain killers and then because whatever they gave me made me really anxious they had to sedate me with a fair amount of Benadryl to help me calm down and to help me sleep. It was really scary. I’ve never had to go to the emergency room for something like that before. We got back to my apartment about 2:00 a.m. Thursday morning and I slept that whole entire day, only waking up for a few hours to email my teachers and submit some homework via email.
I thought the worst was over, but Friday morning I woke up and my head was just throbbing like crazy. I took one type of migraine medicine and then another a few hours later when the first one didn’t work. Even both kinds working together didn’t do a thing. I had two classes that day and I had to get my student teaching paperwork signed so I trudged across campus and quite honestly, I don’t know how I did it. I think Heavenly Father was definitely with me that day; I am surprised I didn’t collapse on campus somewhere. I was somehow able to sit through my first class and afterwards realized there was no way in Heaven I was going to be able to sit through orchestra and I called my mum to see what I should do. She was at work and all of my siblings were either at work or school and she suggested I see if I could get one of my friends to take me to the doctor. Thank goodness one of the first calls I made I was able to get my friend Charles to take me to the doctor’s office and they gave me two shots of heavy-duty pain killers and a prescription for a daily migraine preventative. Saturday was a bit scary because I blacked out in the hallway on the way back to my bedroom and collapsed on the floor. (I hit the wall and fell to the floor.) Luckily it was just because I got really dizzy and I got up a few seconds later!"
I also want to thank all of my friends, family and anyone else who has been helping me to get by these past two months. Your support means so much more than I will ever be able to express. Thank you.
~Stephanie Ann
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Getting checked out at the gas station by some random guy....
Yes people, alas, it has been a very long time since I've done a post. I just really need to figure out something I can right about every few days...any ideas? Anyone...?
Anywho, the last couple of days have been really awful. I've had some truly horriffic migraines, stupid boy drama, and I found out yesterday that reason I've had a cold for two weeks is because of a blasted SINUS INFECTION!!! Urgh...
But, something funny that happened me today happened at Maverik. After I came lolloping out of the store with my trusty jug of antifreeze I popped the hood on my car and proceeded to break the seal on the anti-freeze. Out of the corner of my eye I see some random guy around my age looking at me while he pumps his gas...weird...
I finish pouring the anti-freeze into my car and re-enter my car to leave. As I'm taking off my coat and scarf in my car, I can still see this guy peeking between the two gas things watching me...as I drove away I just had to laugh. And laugh and laugh some more.It was something so little, you know, a guy being appreciative of the way I look on a day where I felt disgusting, but it made me happy.
Also today, I got to do a minute amount of Christmas shopping before being sick and exhausted took over, but it was really fun! I just adore Christmas gift shopping. I wish I had a whole lot more money so I could by everyone I know Christmas gifts. I love to put a lot of thought into what I buy my friends and family and it makes me happy to know that I was able to put a smile on their face, for however little time.
And now, for something more serious. I am tired and sick and quite frankly downtrodden and I'm starting to lose faith in the men of mankind, but despite all of this, I am happy. And no matter how much Satan is trying to make me worry and cry over what has happened to me the past couple of days, I'm not worried and I'm not upset because I know that Heavenly Father is taking care of me. No matter the outcome of the past few days' events, I know that it serves a purpose in creating a better, more spiritual, more fulfilled and happy me. No matter what, Heavenly Father is taking care of me, and because of this, I don't need to worry. I have nothing to worry about ever because I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for me.
Anywho, the last couple of days have been really awful. I've had some truly horriffic migraines, stupid boy drama, and I found out yesterday that reason I've had a cold for two weeks is because of a blasted SINUS INFECTION!!! Urgh...
But, something funny that happened me today happened at Maverik. After I came lolloping out of the store with my trusty jug of antifreeze I popped the hood on my car and proceeded to break the seal on the anti-freeze. Out of the corner of my eye I see some random guy around my age looking at me while he pumps his gas...weird...
I finish pouring the anti-freeze into my car and re-enter my car to leave. As I'm taking off my coat and scarf in my car, I can still see this guy peeking between the two gas things watching me...as I drove away I just had to laugh. And laugh and laugh some more.It was something so little, you know, a guy being appreciative of the way I look on a day where I felt disgusting, but it made me happy.
Also today, I got to do a minute amount of Christmas shopping before being sick and exhausted took over, but it was really fun! I just adore Christmas gift shopping. I wish I had a whole lot more money so I could by everyone I know Christmas gifts. I love to put a lot of thought into what I buy my friends and family and it makes me happy to know that I was able to put a smile on their face, for however little time.
And now, for something more serious. I am tired and sick and quite frankly downtrodden and I'm starting to lose faith in the men of mankind, but despite all of this, I am happy. And no matter how much Satan is trying to make me worry and cry over what has happened to me the past couple of days, I'm not worried and I'm not upset because I know that Heavenly Father is taking care of me. No matter the outcome of the past few days' events, I know that it serves a purpose in creating a better, more spiritual, more fulfilled and happy me. No matter what, Heavenly Father is taking care of me, and because of this, I don't need to worry. I have nothing to worry about ever because I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for me.
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