Thoughts on Loss

Loss. Whether we like it or not, loss is something that we all have to deal with in our lives, in one way or another, at some time or another. Loss of time, loss of love, loss of a family member, loss of a dream, it goes on and on and yet...we know deep down, despite the pain and anguish we feel, that loss is a necessary part of our lives. We know from learning the gospel and from experience that loss helps us to grow and become the children of God that Heavenly Father knows we can be. Loss gives us the opportunity to rise above the circumstances in which we find ourselves in order to better them.

Loss gives us the beautiful oppportunity of discovering who we truly are and what we truly want in this life, what we are willing and able to endure to get what we want or need and what we are willing to do to obtain it.

Over the past few months I have endured a loss that I never thought I would have to deal with and it has almost brought me to my breaking point. This particular loss has motivated me to look beyond myself and look at what really matters, what I really want and what I am truly capable of. This heartbreak I have experienced has, as a surprise to me, solidified in me the knowledge that I am a daughter of God and as such, that I deserve the best. But depsite the crippling anguish I have felt in this experience, I understand the reason behind it and I have come to be grateful for the experience. Still, knowing the reason behind a trial or a loss doesn't always make it easier to handle, does it?



-Henry B. Eyring, "Mountains to Climb", April 2012:

"...I have another encouragement to those who now wonder if their faith in Jesus Christ will be sufficient for them to endure well to the end. I was blessed to have known others of you who are listening now when you were younger, vibrant, gifted beyond most of those around you, yet you chose to do what the Savior would have done. Out of your abundance you found ways to help and care for those you might have ignored or looked down upon from your place in life.

When hard trials come, the faith to endure them well will be there, built as you may now notice but may have not at the time that you acted on the pure love of Christ, serving and forgiving others as the Savior would have done. You built a foundation of faith from loving as the Savior loved and serving for Him. Your faith in Him led to acts of charity that will bring you hope.

It is never too late to strengthen the foundation of faith. There is always time. With faith in the Savior, you can repent and plead for forgiveness. There is someone you can forgive. There is someone you can thank. There is someone you can serve and lift. You can do it wherever you are and however alone and deserted you may feel.

I cannot promise an end to your adversity in this life. I cannot assure you that your trials will seem to you to be only for a moment. One of the characteristics of trials in life is that they seem to make clocks slow down and then appear almost to stop.

There are reasons for that. Knowing those reasons may not give much comfort, but it can give you a feeling of patience. Those reasons come from this one fact: in Their perfect love for you, Heavenly Father and the Savior want you fitted to be with Them to live in families forever. Only those washed perfectly clean through the Atonement of Jesus Christ can be there......

If we have faith in Jesus Christ, the hardest as well as the easiest times in life can be a blessing. In all conditions, we can choose the right with the guidance of the Spirit. We have the gospel of Jesus Christ to shape and guide our lives if we choose it. And with prophets revealing to us our place in the plan of salvation, we can live with perfect hope and a feeling of peace. We never need to feel that we are alone or unloved in the Lord’s service because we never are. We can feel the love of God. The Savior has promised angels on our left and our right to bear us up.¹⁰ And He always keeps His word.

I testify that God the Father lives and that His Beloved Son is our Redeemer. The Holy Ghost has confirmed truth in this conference and will again as you seek it, as you listen, and as you later study the messages of the Lord’s authorized servants, who are here. President Thomas S. Monson is the Lord’s prophet to the entire world. The Lord watches over you. God the Father lives. His Beloved Son, Jesus Christ, is our Redeemer. His love is unfailing. I so testify in the name of Jesus Christ, amen."

"How we are taught"

This is something that I feel compelled to write about; something I feel like I need to explain in detail. I often say that we are Children of God and with that title, we are unique wholly to ourselves. There is no one else on the earth like us. There are special talents and purposes that only we have, that only we can fulfill. So with that in mind, have you noticed that God teaches everyone differently? Just because He teaches you one way, doesn't mean that He teaches everyone that way.

Heavenly Father, being the great being that He is, tailors our earthly education to us.
I have learned over the past few months that I learn a lot differently than most people and that because of this, Heavenly Father adjusts accordingly and is able to teach me in a way that I can understand. The way He teaches me is different from how He teaches my mother, my sisters, my brother, my nieces, my nephew, my grandparents...how Heavenly Father teaches us is different and specific to each person. The way He teaches me probably wouldn't make sense to most people.

That being said, we need to remember that Heavenly Father teaches each of us differently because of our individuality and we need to respect that. We should never disregard or scoff at someone's personal, spiritual experiences, trials or answers to prayers just because they don't make sense to us. And why would they make sense to us? You are not this other person; you are not inside their head, so you shouldn't presume to think that the way you learn is the right way and that the ways that everyone else learns are invalid. To think that God teaches everyone the same is being belligerent and ignorant. We are different for a purpose and God shows us that through how He teaches us and how we learn from those lessons/experiences.

That is the beauty of this life. That we are able to express our individuality, our divine nature in such a way that we are able to show to the world that we are Children of God. We are unique, we are special and God loves and teaches us individually. If we were all the same, His purpose and plan for us would not be able to set in motion. So, don't worry if it seems like your answers to prayers come in a different way than someone else's, that your spiritual experiences are different from everyone else's, or that your trials seem vastly blown out of proportion in relation to everybody else....it's supposed to be that way.

So just remember, everyone learns differently and Heavenly Father teaches everyone differently, and how you need to be taught and how you learn is valid and true and right and important.





http://www.lds.org/new-era/2012/07/how-to-pray-and-seek-answers?lang=eng&query=we+taught

"Obtaining Your Happily Ever After"

This is a talk I wrote for one of my religion classes and it's something that I think every young woman needs to hear.

“Obtaining Your Happily Ever After”

            When many young women hear the phrase “And they lived happily ever after”, a few different things come to mind; riding off into the sunset with a dashing and valiant prince on a noble steed, a wedding dress that rivals Princess Diana’s, glass slippers and an eternity of bliss after marriage that will put Westley and Buttercup to shame. While many of these things can be true in a young woman’s “happily ever after”, it is not all that Heavenly Father wants or has in store for us in this important time of our lives. These dreams are not the only components that make up a “happily ever after”. In order to truly have a “happily ever after” you must not only learn to love and accept yourself as a daughter of God, never settle,  keep the commandments, follow promptings, be patient and find joy in the journey, but a “happily ever after” is something that you must work at, treasure and cultivate forever.

            In Proverbs 31:10 it states, “Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.” One of the most important things a young woman can do that will benefit her life and her happily ever after, is being able to see herself for the child of God that she is. This is essential because how will she be able to succeed in and enjoy life if she doesn’t believe that she can or is capable of doing so? And ultimately, how will she be able to love someone else enough to marry them if she does not learn to love herself first?

            In Elder Uchtdorf’s talk “Your Happily Ever After” to the young women of the church in the April 2010 General Conference he stated, “Everywhere you look today, you will find promises of happiness. Ads in magazines promise total bliss if you will only buy a certain outfit, shampoo, or makeup. Certain media productions glamorize those who embrace evil or who give in to base instincts. Often these same people are portrayed as models of success and accomplishment… Sisters, they suppose wrong.”

            Each young woman, each young man…each child of God is unique and has an array of talents and qualities that are specific to them. Each of you has a divine purpose that you were meant to fulfill; that only you can do. Beauty, talent and self-worth come in all shapes, sizes and physical and spiritual gifts. Each of you is special in your own way and if you can believe that and begin to see that in yourself, and see yourself as God sees you, your “happily ever after” will be well within reach. “But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart.” (1^st Samuel 16:7) Once these things are realized in your life you will know and value what you deserve and you will settle for nothing less. You will strive to be the person that God knows you to be.

            During our trials as we work towards our happily ever after and during our happily ever after, it is important to remember who we are and what we stand for; to keep the commandments and follow promptings. We must never forget to follow Heavenly Father’s plan for us, even if we don’t understand why He’s asking us to do something. Heavenly Father gives us trials and difficult circumstances in order to give us the opportunity to strengthen our faith in Him and to draw closer to Him and to Christ. During these difficult and trying times He gives us the choice to trust in Him, even though we can’t see the end result or the reason, or He gives us the choice to strike out on our own and to learn our lesson in a different way. Either way Heavenly Father makes sure that we have a choice and He makes sure, that regardless of our decision on how to proceed down our projected path, that we are taken care of and that we learn the lesson we were meant to learn.

            Heavenly Father believes in you. He sees potential in you that you cannot yet see in yourself and He knows what you can handle, what you can’t and when you’ll reach out for help to endure. The trials and experiences He has been giving you are helping you to find that potential and become that person that He knows you can be. Know that the plan that Heavenly Father has for you is so much bigger and so much more brilliant, bright and beautiful than the plan you have for yourself. He loves you SO much and if you just ask, He will help you. In your times of trial and suffering, be thankful that He loves you enough to “hurt” you. He is just waiting for you to humble yourself and ask for His help so that He can bless you with more blessings than you ever imagined.

            In the 2008 October General Conference talk “Come What May and Love It” Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin said, “How can we love days that are filled with sorrow? We can’t—at least not in the moment…But I do believe that the way we react to adversity can be a major factor in how happy and successful we can be in life. If we approach adversities wisely, our hardest times can be times of greatest growth, which in turn can lead toward times of greatest happiness.” (Emphasis Added).

            Even though it is difficult, and often times unbearable, it is important to remember that all of our trials have a purpose; there is a reason behind each and every single one we go through. As we work to remember this fact, we must also work to remember that we must seek out Heavenly Father’s guidance, for He always has our best interests at heart and just like our trials, there is a reason behind everything He asks us to do. Elder Uchtdorf stated, “I understand that, at times, some may wonder why they attend Church meetings or why it is so important to read the scriptures regularly or pray to our Heavenly Father daily. Here is my answer: You do these things because they are part of God’s path for you. And that path will take you to your ‘happily ever after’ destination.”

            In the words of Heavenly Father to Joseph Smith in the Liberty Jail, “7 My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; 8 And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.”

            My own personal story with the principle and idea of finding my “happily ever after”, has been a heart-wrenchingly painful and difficult journey. As a young child, my father instilled in me the idea, through his words and actions, that I was worthless and of no consequence. He taught me that no one’s feelings, not even my own or my mother’s, mattered but his. Through his abusive nature towards me and my family and his adulterous behavior, I began to believe that I could trust no man; that all men were like this. By the time my parents divorced in May 2005, I firmly believed everything that he said to me was true. Having this difficult childhood would prove more of a problem than I ever could have imagined as I entered my first semester of college in the Winter of 2009. In my first serious relationship as a young adult, I discovered that I had a lot to learn and a lot that I needed help to fix. And at the end of my sophomore year of college I made the decision to seek help from a certified counselor.

            Through working with my counselor, I finally began to see myself as God and others saw me; I finally saw myself as the princess that I am. I gained confidence and hope in the future to come and my whole outlook on life and relationships changed. Still, through the next couple of years, I discovered that my journey and road to self-discovery and my happily ever after was far from over. The next few years, up until now (in my senior year of college), I experienced a few more relationships and heartbreak, learning something new, essential and important to my eternal progress. I also discovered that even though I had grown to love myself for the daughter of God I was, I still believed that because of the abuse I had experienced as a child had damaged something inside of me. I believed that something crucial inside of me was broken and that no matter how much I gave this burden up to God and to Christ, that it couldn’t be fixed, and that even though I wanted it more than anything, an eternal love and marriage was not in the cards for me. And I had begun to accept that, until I met someone that changed everything. This particular individual helped me to see what everyone said I was missing out on in a relationship; he made me realize that I was more than capable of loving someone enough to want to marry them for eternity. But, for reasons I didn’t understand until very recently, this friendship ended, cruelly and abruptly.

            At first I was angry and terribly heartbroken and just plain defeated. I wondered why things had to be this way and why, if this was a lesson that needed to be learned, why did I need to learn it this way?  And then I realized something. Before I could continue on my path to my “Happily Ever After”, Heavenly Father needed my outlook on marriage and relationships change; He needed me to learn that not only was I capable of loving someone enough to want to marry them for eternity, but that I was not broken and that my dreams could become reality. This lesson that I needed to learn was something that I could not have learned any other way than to be able to experience it firsthand. It would not have worked any other way.

            Heavenly Father has taken away my pain, sorrow and heartbreak over the loss of an eternal love because I asked Him to; because I realized that I couldn’t cope with it on my own. I needed His help; I needed Christ’s help, to be able to and to start to heal. Because of this experience I am now truly ready to accept and follow the plan that Heavenly Father has for me. I am ready to start fresh and accept His guidance towards my future. I am strong enough. I am worthy. I am capable. I am ready to go down the path that will lead me to my future and my eternal companion. Because of what I have experienced previously and as of late, I will always do what Heavenly Father asks of me, even when I don’t understand it because I know the blessings that come from doing that firsthand.

            My dear friends, our journey to our “Happily Ever After” is not a journey that starts and ends after a few experiences. It is something that as we continue to live worthily, we must work at, treasure and cultivate forever. We must learn to love and accept ourselves as children of God, never settle, follow promptings, and ultimately, be patient and find joy in the journey to our “Happily Ever After” and trust that no matter what, God has everything under control. He is the author of our fairytale and if we remember that, why should we worry?

            In closing, in the words of Elder Uchtdorf, “‘Happily ever after’ is not something found only in fairy tales. You can have it! It is available for you! But you must follow your Heavenly Father’s map… As an Apostle of the Lord Jesus Christ, I leave you my blessing and give you a promise that as you accept and live the values and principles of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ, “[you] will be prepared to strengthen home and family, make and keep sacred covenants, receive the ordinances of the temple, and enjoy the blessings of exaltation.” And the day will come when you turn the final pages of your own glorious story; there you will read and experience the fulfillment of those blessed and wonderful words: “And they lived happily ever after.”

           

           

Something I Need to Remember

I am beautiful, smart, strong and courageous.

I am a future wife and a future mother.

I am a daughter of God.

I am a sister and friend.

I am of infinite worth.

Day Two: Things You Want to Say to an Ex

Day Two: Things You Want to Say to an Ex

You were the first boy that I ever actually enjoyed kissing, the first boy I couldn't get enough of.

And let's face it, the first time I saw you, I thought you were the most gorgeous person since Leonardo DiCaprio first hit the big screen in Titanic. I was thrilled when we became friends in our English class and over the moon when I figured out we could have an actual conversation without it being awkward. I will say that I was disappointed when the semester ended and we still hadn't gone on a date, but I wrote you off and put you on the back burner and moved on with my life. I wish it would've actually been that easy......

I didn't expect to see you that day in church in August and I didn't expect you to be so thrilled to see me. I didn't expect for us to hit it off so well. I loved being with you. I loved flirting with you. It was as easy as breathing......and it was fun. You made me laugh and you made me feel special...and when you kissed me...my blood boiled. But as it always happens in my relationships, I got scared and I ran and I laid your heart on a silver platter for the vultures to feast on.

I never understood what the big deal about break ups was until I ended things with you. I ran to my sister's house five and a half hours away to get away from the aching, oozing hole that had been ripped into my chest. I thought that if I was able to get away from everything that was familiar, everything that reminded me of you, that I would be okay. But it followed...and no matter what I did, no matter what I said or wrote...I thought about you. Even after I ended it, all I wanted to do was be with you. And two weeks later when my vacation ended, I told you that. I thought that if we were really meant to be together then you would understand why I ran, that you would understand why I got scared, that if I explained, that you would nod and take me back and everything would be okay and it would be like none of this mess had ever happened. I thought you were someone worth fighting for. But I was wrong...

I don't think you understood what it meant for someone like me, who's been though what I've been through, to tell you everything that I felt and was thinking about you. It was an extreme leap of faith for me to do what I did and say what I said. Saying what I said to you, me trusting that you wouldn't do anything to hurt me, is probably akin to someone standing stark naked in the middle of a crowd or someone going on stage to sing a solo only to realize that they've forgotten all the words. All they want to do is to escape from the mortification and humiliation; all they're doing is hoping that someone will save them from this hell that they're in. They feel exposed and scared and helpless and anxious and confused.

I'm not saying that you didn't have a right to feel how you did and say what you said, but would it have hurt you to be human?! Would it have hurt you to be kind to someone who was drowning, to lend a hand?! All I wanted was closure, but you didn't even have the balls, the common decency to let me say this to you in person or even over the phone. I know your pride was hurt and your feelings were hurt and what I did was wrong, but was this really necessary for you to try and reciprocate the humiliation you felt by  reducing something so important to me by forcing us to communicate this over text messages? I about died when you said you didn't feel the same way anymore. All this proved to me was that your feelings weren't ever as deep as mine and that you only ever wanted me for one thing...and this knowledge was excruciating.

After this was all said and done, I ached in places that I didn't even know existed. I tried to distract myself by jumping at the chance to move into a new singles ward. I tried to distract myself by keeping myself busy with family home evening and job hunting and shopping trips and cooking and long walks and bawl-fest sessions with my counselor, but there you were. Always lurking in the back of my mind, I was unable to escape from the one person I didn't want to think about. I ached this way for a long time. You broke something inside of me. You destroyed something precious that wasn't very strong or confident to begin with. It took me months to get to the point where I didn't think about you constantly; to get to the point where I didn't sob uncontrollably whenever you popped into my head.

It has taken me and Heavenly Father nearly a year to repair the damage you did. And even now, when I know my worth and potential and I know how special and important I am, there are still very, very faint traces of you left; the memory of how you treated me trying to influence my actions in my current relationship. And even though I am grateful for what this heartbreaking lesson has taught me, even though I'm grateful for how strong it has made me, I want to forget you.

So now, I am writing you off and saying goodbye to memories that don't have a place in me anymore. I am moving on with my life. I am happy and I am making something of myself. I am in a place and state of mind where you don't matter. I don't want the memory of you or how you treated me to have an affect on me anymore and so now, it won't. I have someone who actually cares about the real me.

Goodbye and good riddance.

Day One: Five Ways to Win My Heart

1. Be honest and have integrity. Rarely anything irritates me more than someone lying to me or being dishonest with me. What kind of a foundation is that to build a relationship on? It says a lot about who you are and what you stand for. If we give Satan the power, dishonesty has the ability to destroy lives and families and relationships. It isn't nice; it's sneaky, hurtful and underhanded and has no place inside the bodies of Children of God.

2. Love God More than You Love Me. I want a man to have a real and true testimony of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. I want him to live his life within the church and actively seek ways on how he can honorably use his priesthood. Don't live the gospel because it's what I want you to do; live it because you want to. Live your life in such a way that you will be prepared at any moment for the Second Coming to occur. When we get married and have a family, I want this man to be someone that I can call on in times of need because I will know that he has a solid foundation in Christ and I will know for certain that I can rely on and trust him because of his close relationship with God. I never had this from my father growing up and I want to make sure that my future children have access to it. I know from watching my oldest sister and her husband and family what a blessing having a worthy priesthood holder in the home is.

3. Acts of Service/unexpected surprises ot gifts. No, this does not mean I'm materialistic, this is just one of my love languages. It's one of the best ways to show me that you care by taking the time to get to know me, what I like and what can or will make me happy. Gifts or surprises or acts of service that have a show of time and thought behind them have the ability to prove to me that you care. It doesn't have to be big or showy at all, but rather something that you took time to think of. Flowers when I'm having a rough day, a copy of my favorite book when I need some down time, a picnic on a really warm and sunny weekend, a spontaneous trip to the movie theatre, ingredients to cook dinner with friends or maybe a copy of one of my favorite band's new CD's.

4. A Willingness to Go Along. I love Broadway musicals, Bollywood and foreign films, singing, dancing, lounging in Barnes and Noble for hours on end and bike rides. I like being indoors, nerdy t.v. shows like Doctor Who, Charmed and Merlin...humor me, please. :) I love Glee, cooking, Christian Rock, historical romance movies, Julie Andrews, Harry Potter, fancy dresses (or dresses in general), makeup, cereal, granola, washing my face, The Titanic, springtime, fall, traveling, Switchfoot, books, planning parties and weddings, the rain, doing hair, interpretive dancing with my little sister and I LOVE my nieces and nephew. You do not by any means have to do these things with me all the time, but it makes me feel special when you want to do something with me that I really have a passion for. And hey, this rule applies to me doing what you love too! If you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours! ;) And you can say you don't like something, just don't make fun of it. That really hurts my feelings.

5. (I will put this last one in later...dinner is calling my name!)
Words of Affirmation-  "Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten." http://www.5lovelanguages.com/learn-the-languages/the-five-love-languages/
This says it perfectly.

Stronger

It's hard to be strong, even when being strong is the only choice you have. I'm going to the doctor today to get my test results for my MRI and my bloodwork. The nurse explained that they can't give me the test results over the phone and then she said that my scans showed some abnormalities...what is that supposed to mean?! I'm absolutely terrified.

BUT, on the brightside, my migraines have gotten less frequent and it seems like my medicine is starting to kick in. Instead of being constantly in pain, I usually now only get a few sharp stabs/waves of pain every couple of days. It's not perfect, but it's definitely a start.