...Where do I belong...?

It's at times like this that I've never felt more alone and lost. I am tired and exhausted, emotionally strung out and just downright confused. I am ready to find where I belong; I'm tired of wandering and feeling worthless.

Even now, when I'm nearing the completion of my Bachelor's degree, I'm student-teaching at a middle school, and I'm established in a great single's ward, I still feel like I'm not where I'm supposed to be.  I feel like I don't fit in, no matter where I am. Being a devout member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is one of my biggest blessings, but it is also one of my biggest hardships. Every time I come to visit my home town, the only thing anyone ever asks me is, "Do you have a boyfriend? Are you dating anybody? Are you going to get married? Why aren't you married yet?"  

In the areas I'm in at least, there is a blatant disregard for my accomplishments in favor of the more "important" relationship gossip and my self-worth is based solely on whether or not I'm dating someone, engaged or getting ready to start a family. Most of the time I feel like I'm not worth much; this is because in a very close-knit culture where family and marriage is one of the most important accomplishments you can ever achieve, I am not involved in any of it. Not even a little bit. All of my friends and family have either or are, going on missions, getting engaged, getting married or having families and I'm just...floating. Even with all of the stuff that I'm involved in, I feel like I just don't belong. I feel like all that I've done and gone through and accomplished doesn't matter; no one seems to give a care that I've made it through a debilitating illness, gotten my bachelor's degree and performed as an actress with one of the most sought after directors at BYU-Idaho. Because I'm not on a mission or engaged or married or starting a family, nothing that I've done matters or has any worth, weight, or meaning behind it. People seem to look down on me; almost like they're asking why I'm wasting and have wasted my time doing the things that I've done. At least that's how I feel. I feel that because I haven't done and I'm not doing any of these things, I have no worth or place because I'm not "furthering the kingdom".

Most of the time I feel like an intruder on all of my friends and family's lives; a tiny piece of nondescript furniture in the background that just sits there and only adds to the scenery. Something that has no real place or purpose. I feel so awkward, lost, confused, and out of place. I feel like I don't belong with anyone or belong anywhere. I don't want to feel like that anymore; I shouldn't have to. 

Next on my list of things to do after I'm done with student teaching is to take the summer off and find myself and my purpose. I want to have time to just be, because after an entire lifetime of devoting myself to my studies, my friends, my family, basically anything and anyone else that didn't have to do with me, I think it's about time that I do something just for me. It's high time that I take care of myself and do what I want and what I need. And right now I need a sense of purpose, a place where I know that I belong. I'm done with feeling like I'm floating. I know with everything that I am, that there is somewhere I belong and that I have a distinct and special purpose meant just for me. I just don't know the where and what quite yet. It's nice for the rest of you who have done this for yourselves, but just know that I haven't yet and you have no place to judge me on where I am in my journey and I how I get there.

Deep Waters

On this quiet, Sabbath morning, while watching "Joseph Smith: The Prophet of the Restoration", I have come to realize something......I am meant to swim in deep waters. I don't know why I didn't realize this before. At the young age of twenty-two and a half, I have been through more than most people my age will go through in a lifetime. I have survived much and after listening to Joseph this morning, I have come to accept that it will be this way for the rest of my earthly life. 

As of late, I have been scared, unsure, doubtful and exhausted in every way that it is possible to be exhausted. In my previous post I said, "Have you ever reached that situation where you don't know how you survived up to that point, and you don't know how you can go on, you don't know how much you have left to give and you're just......tired? And you just want to have control over one thing in your life for once, even if it's just for a few minutes? And you just want to be able to see what's in your future because you're so exhausted from stumbling blindly for so long in the darkness until the light somehow miraculously shows up at the end of the tunnel? I just want to be sure of things. Just once."

But, after talking with some very dear friends of mine yesterday, one of them pointed something out to me,  commenting on something I mentioned. He said that even though I have said that I am so spiritually and mentally exhausted that I cannot move even if I want to, that even when I ask questions of our Father in Heaven such as, "I can't DO this anymore. I can't MOVE. What more do you want of me? What more can I do? What do you want me to do?" He said that this is a sign of humility and that even though I'm tired, I still want to do God's will and that is what really matters. I know that now, and I also know that my life, this life, was not meant to be an easy one. There is a greater work for me to do, one that is bigger and brighter than myself, something that I cannot even comprehend or fathom. And in order to prepare me for that greater work, I must be put through the refiner's fire. There is no other way. I am meant to swim in deep waters. 

" 7 My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;

 8 And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes." 

-Doctrine and Covenants 121: 7 & 8. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&v=irX0E4-mc9U&NR=1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M0y1g3q9QVY

Tired

Have you ever reached that situation where you don't know how you survived up to that point, and you don't know how you can go on, you don't know how much you have left to give and you're just......tired? And you just want to have control over one thing in your life for once, even if it's just for a few minutes? And you just want to be able to see what's in your future because you're so exhausted from stumbling blindly for so long in the darkness until the light somehow miraculously shows up at the end of the tunnel? I just want to be sure of things. Just once.

I feel like I have given my all this year. I have trusted God when I was scared and sick and tired and alone; I have trusted Him when I couldn't see the end result, trusting that He would catch me at the bottom. I have sacrificed so much. I feel like I have nothing left to give anymore. I don't know how He's going to get me out of this situation; it's looking pretty bleak and scary at this point. I never ask this, but I could use your prayers.  Please. Pray for me to trust God like all the times before; pray for me to have courage, to have the strength to do what I must do. Pray for me to be able to accomplish what He has told me that I must do. Pray for me to align my will with His, no matter what happens. Pray for me to find the joy in this bleak situation.

Changed for the Better: Fall 2012 College Graduation

With my college commencement just mere days away a lot has been going through my mind. Looking back on this journey called Brigham Young University-Idaho, I am in awe to see how much I’ve grown and to see how far I’ve come. Starting here four and a half years ago, I was a bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, terrified 18 year old daughter of God who was so incredibly insecure of herself that it was a miracle she could walk into a room without passing out. This scared young woman ironically knew that she wanted to be a performer and she also knew that she would do whatever it took to get there; even if that meant she wouldn’t get married and have a family. I left for college with the mindset that I would prove everyone wrong; that I would soon be on top of the performance world and laugh at everyone who said “you can’t” from on high.

But, I was a great actress, so I hid it all and acted like nothing fazed me when it actually very much did. That year I also made some incredible, wonderful life-long friends that I very much hope to be in touch with for the rest of my life and beyond. Casey and Rebecca Buttle are my rocks; they are my family and I am so grateful for them. They have been there for me through thick and thin and have encouraged me to keep going when I wanted to quit. I owe a lot to them, more things than I can say on this blog, but I love them and I am so thankful that Heavenly Father saw fit to put them into my life. They have changed me for the better.

The end of this week my friends, will bring to a close one journey and start the beginning of another. After meeting new friends while saying goodbye and good luck to old ones, through the ups and downs of relationships and losing my first love, after going through the agonizing decision of changing my major and trading my current dreams for new ones, after the craziness of my home life, late nights studying in the snow building, after being diagnosed with severe food intolerances, crippling, chronic migraines and other health problems, through gigantic spiritual, physical, mental and spiritual changes, after terrifying financial uncertainty…through all of that…I have made it. I did it. WE did it.

And now, four a half years later, through God’s divine love and intervention, I am a 22 year old, educated, beautiful, confident, driven and compassionate daughter of God. Through this journey called college, I have learned to see myself for who I truly am; I have learned what truly matters in life. I have come to embrace this imperfect body of mine for the masterpiece and work-in-progress that it is. I know what my purpose in life is and I also know what I have to do to obtain it and what I will have to do to keep it. God has blessed me so much; through my trials He has taught me lessons that I would not have been able to learn any other way and I am eternally grateful that He loves me enough to hurt me. I would not be the person I am today without His encouragement, guidance, reassurance and support. I would not be who I am today with my trials.

And to all of you who thought that I couldn’t; who thought that I would never get here and made a point of telling me so frequently, take a message back from me…… I’m defying gravity and you can’t bring me down.

So, to start my thank you’s to all of the wonderful, beautiful friends I have made and changed me for the better. Guys, this one’s for you-

To Trish and Russell Dickerson- You have changed me in ways that I cannot even begin to count. You have opened your hearts and your home to me no questions asked and taken care of me like I was family. I will never be able to say how much you both mean to me. I love you.

To Cassie Burton- We’ve been through a lot together, haven’t we? I want you to know that you are a strong, beautiful, and amazing daughter of God. Do not change for others; but instead, love yourself for who you are and do something that you want to do. You deserve that. We have been on SO many ridiculous adventures and outings and made one another feel awkward in ways that I will not even begin to describe here. (Ok, so maybe it was just YOU making ME feel awkward.) We’ve been each other’s support when we had no one else to turn to. Go out into this world my dearest heart and change it. Make them remember Cassandra Burton.

To Abbey Anderson- I have one question for you…do you hear the people sing? Oh geez, we won’t get into that. I could be here for hours. I am so grateful to have decided those TWO semesters out of my sophomore year to live at American Manor. Without that decision, I would not have met you. You have helped me and supported me through so much; you’ve nodded your head when I ranted about auditions and crazy English professors, held me when I cried over some idiot that broke my heart, let me crash at your apartment for a week at a time when I had less than desirable living conditions, eagerly discussed our mutual love for nerdy things and sampled my new, allergen free recipes. Love ya!

To the crazy, awesome, wonderful and downright insane friends and professors in the BYU-Idaho theatre department (there are WAY too many of you to mention by name)- Where do I even begin? All of you, every single one of you, have made my life richer. You've pushed me to be better and helped me to do so. You've helped me to hone my craft into something downright spectacular. It’s great to look back and see how much we've grown. I will never forget all of the wonderful things that we've done together and experienced with one another. I hope none of you ever change. Now go out there and make me proud! (Shout out to all my Quilters’ gals!)

To my sister, Heather and her husband, Jeremy- I don’t even know what to say. You have helped me grow so much. You have been my spiritual support through some of the hardest things that I’ve ever had to go through. You have been my sanctuary, my Mecca; the place I always go back to. Thank you for being who you are and being the incredible examples that you are to me. You’ve helped keep me on the right path, the path that God wanted me to be on and I will be eternally grateful to you both for doing that. I love you.

To my mother, Kelly- how do I even begin to thank you for all that you’ve done for me? I suppose you’ll just say that all that you’ve done is what any mother would do for her child, but you’re different. You’re special and wonderful and I’m glad that you’re mine. I have learned so much from you and I’m glad that you’ve been able to help me the way that you have. Thank you for all of the encouragement, telling me to keep going, telling me that I could do it; for the late night hospital visits and food and medicine runs, for all of the doctor visits and believing me when they wouldn’t; for looking out for my best interests and listening to me and being there for me when I just needed my mum. You are an incredible person. Thank you for who you are and what you do for me every day.

To my incredibly talented and awesome friends in the music department (again, there are just WAY too many of you to name)- Can I just say how awesome you are? I’ve loved our time together laughing and eating and concocting adventures that would make any sane person raise their eyebrows in concern. Thank you for all of the fun nights at concerts, late night sing-alongs to Enchanted and a special shout-out to my friends in collegiate; for embracing and including me as if I were still in choir and joining in on getting mad at a certain English professor. I hope to keep in contact with each and every one of you for many, many years to come and I expect to get free tickets to your professional concerts and copies of your CD’s before they’re commercially available.

To Desiree Ducharme- You have always been there for me and even though it’s been a few years since we’ve seen each other, I know that you always will be. I know that I can call you and talk to you for hours like we’ve never been apart. You probably are the only person on this planet who knows me better than I know myself. You’ve supported me so much and I love you for that. Thank you for just being there. I love you.

There are just too many people to mention that have been a part of my success at BYU-Idaho (Cody Dean, Megan Done, Ethan Bernard, Casey Pappas, Niki Ellis, Danielle Hart, Derek Clareidge, Tamara McLain, Jessica McCown, Allison Vest etc.) and I’m sad that I don’t have time to mention all of you. If I did mention all of you, there would be pages and pages of thank you’s that you or I would never be able to get through. So, here is one last song for us to share together that pretty much sums up how I feel about all of you. 

For Good- Wicked 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uzrGFQysfYU

I'm NOT crazy, though sometimes, I feel like it...

I'm NOT crazy, though sometimes, more often lately, I feel like it. Most of the time I'm flying by the seat of my pants and going wherever the wind and God blow me. I've taken a step off of the edge of the cliff of life into the void, free-falling and hoping that He will catch me at the bottom. Now more than ever, I'm learning what it feels like to take two steps into the darkness before I can even begin to see the light of my future. Even though I KNOW that everything will work out, a large part of me is still terrified that it won't. I am involved in so many different things this semester, most of which have to do with me completing requirements so that I can graduate AND to top it all off, most of these things, in order for them to work out, depend on the continued success of all of the other things and if one tiny thing goes out of place, it'll all blow up and fall down like a nuclear disaster of dominoes and you'll have to cart me off to the loony-bin in a straight jacket. Can ya see why I'm a little stressed out and crazy? Yeah, I thought so.

I just want everyone to know that even though it may not seem like it most of the time, God and I DO have everything handled. It's mostly Him though. ;) In the next coming months, I AM going to take things slow and I am going to involve God every step of the way. I know you think it's your job to make sure I don't do anything stupid, to make sure I don't get myself hurt or heartbroken, to make sure that I don't pounce when I shouldn't, and to make sure that I don't get my hopes up or rush into anything, but you know what? A lot of that isn't your business. I'm not trying to be rude, I'm just stating the facts. I love you all (you know who you are and whom I am referring to), but please let me try and figure this out. I know you are just trying to protect me, but it's not your job. I'm a big girl and I talk to Heavenly Father on a near-constant-basis; 24/7. I am blessed enough to know and be sure of the solid and unique relationship I have with Him, so you don't need to worry as much as you do. I'm not going to go ahead with anything in life without His say-so and approval. SO...chill-ax already, will ya? We've got it covered. I'm going to take things one day and one solitary step at a time because that's what I can do and that's what I can handle. Please try to understand that and know that I trust God enough to let Him lead me to where I need to be and to where I need to go, even if I'm doing it without being able to see where He's taking me.

As For Me and My House

This song has been a great source of inspiration for me lately. I know things are tough right now, but I also know that I will be eternally blessed for following God's plan and for following Him and trusting in Him even when I can't see where I'm going. He loves you. You are a Child of God! Remember that and remember that glory is your destiny.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jjRiNL1HKns&NR=1&feature=endscreen

Ramblings...

A lot has happened lately and a lot has been on my mind. So many things are happening and going on right now; I don't feel nearly old enough to be making all of the decisions I've been having to make. I don't feel like I'm nearly twenty-two and a half....I actually feel much, much older. If that makes any sense at all. You sometimes reach a point where you're just very, very weary and that also contributes largely to how old you feel. I've been through more than most people go through in three life times and it's starting to catch up to me, I suppose.

Within a few short months, I will be graduating college and going off to Utah to student teach and warp *cough* I mean, shape young minds in the ways and workings of theatre, my baby brother will be getting married early next year and I may or may not apply to graduate school in Oregon or Washington. There are also other things quickly emerging from the inky blue blackness of the ever approaching horizon that I am more than ready for and more than willing to accept and embrace. I am ready to accept with open arms this new and exciting and long-awaited for next chapter of my wonderful life here on this earth. I've learned much while going to school here in Rexburg.

I've learned the value of good friendships and that those treasured friendships will always be there for you, making Shirley Temples and tying knots in the leftover maraschino cherry stems, just to get you to crack a smile.

I've learned that it is always best to be prepared for any type of weather in Rexburg; for one minute it could be sunshiny and lovely, blowing your hair around in a most becoming way with the fallen leaves or it could quite more possibly, with the wind as a helper, blow you over, peel back your flesh from your face, freeze the insides of your nasal passages and make you feel as if you're reenacting the Martin and Willie Handcart Company trek as you struggle your way up the hill to the Hinckley building. Always wear a scarf.

I've learned the importance of pushing yourself to do things that you never would've imagined for yourself, for it opens up so many more doors to wonderful, beautiful, breathtaking, life-changing opportunities. Stretch yourself, push your limits, step outside of the confines of your little cardboard box and just let yourself fly. You may discover a deep love and appreciation for your new found loves and talents, but most importantly a oneness, a rightness and a deep love and appreciation for yourself. 

I have also, much to my dismay, learned what it means to fall in love and then to get your heart broken. There are some things that take a good deal of time to recover from, and some things, as much as you'd like them to leave, will probably always be there until one day, quite suddenly, they're only a distant and faded memory. There are reasons for which I have gone through this particular experience that I am eternally grateful for and I wouldn't trade what I've learned for anything, but sometimes I wish that I could just hold onto the feelings I felt and discovered and then be able to erase the memory of the man that gave them to me.

I have also, while going back and forth between home and Rexburg, what it means to really be in tune with the Holy Spirit and what it means to follow promptings the moment you receive them. I have learned the importance and eternal significance of the role of prayer in my life and what my life might be like without that beautiful blessing. I have also learned to recognize my answers to prayers and to lovingly and with faith, to accept them for what they are, and take them into my person. I have learned and I am still learning, what it really means to have faith and trust in God and to really and truly love Him as my Father. He knows me better than I know myself and ultimately, He knows what plans He has for my life and that they will all work out, one way or another, even if I don't see it that way. He has wonderful plans in store for me within the next few months and I will continue to do everything that is within my power to be worthy of those special plans and blessings, for more than anything else in this world, I need and want what He is going to bestow upon me and I can't wait.

So I guess what I have to say at the end of all of this ridiculous fluff is... don't give up. Keep going, keep trudging forward, one day and one step at a time. Your destiny awaits you, all you have to do is look up, reach out and grab it. It's coming.

"Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not quite, the not-yet, the not at all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you deserved can be won. It exists, it is real, is possible, it is yours." -Ayn Rand

And don't let anyone tell you different; not even yourself.