Look at me
I will never pass for a perfect bride, or a perfect daughter
Can it be im not meant to play this part
Now i see that if i were truely to be myself
I would break my family's heart
Who is that girl I see
staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection someone I dont know?
Somehow I can not hide
who i am, though i've tried
When will my reflection show who I am inside?
When will my reflection show who I am inside...?
-Refelction, Disney's Mulan
Do you ever feel like no matter what you do, you're always letting someone down? I feel like that right now. I think that even if I did have a job, my mum would still get angry. "We need to pay for this, make sure you tell me these things, how come you didn't tell me?, why didn't you ask me?"
I don't ask her for money because I know what she'll say. She'll say we don't have enough. As IF I don't already know. She'll want me to pay her back, which she knows I can't, so why does she give me money in the first place? I don't tell her money problems (mainly car problems) because I know what her answer will be to those too. "We don't have enough money right now." GOSH DARN IT! Can't she see that all I want to do is to make her happy? All I want is for her to look and me and be proud, not dissapointed or annoyed. No matter what I do, no matter what I say, it's never enough. I could be married, with a job and babies and a big house and three dogs and she would still find something! Or at least that's what I feel like she would do. Ok, maybe I'm not trying as hard as I should to find a job, but you know what? NO EMPLOYER IS GOING TO WANT TO TAKE ME WITH A MONTH LEFT UNTIL I LEAVE FOR SCHOOL, EVEN IF IT IS FOR THE HOLIDAY SEASON.
I just want to do something that will make her proud. Mum, I'm sorry I can't be what you want me to be, but for the time being......could you stop making me feel so worthless?