The Book of Love

                True love. What does that mean? To you? To your family and friends? To the world? To be quite honest, I truly think and believe that it means something different to every individual who is lucky enough to encounter it. I also think that if you’re very blessed and fortunate, you can experience it more than once. The idea of soul-mates is a lovely one, but not something I really believe in. I know (from experience), that there are at least a handful of “right” people out there that you could build your life with. Each experience would be different, but you would be just as happy with one as you would with one of the others. And if by some chance, your relationship with one of these people doesn't work out, if it crashes and burns, does not mean by any stretch of the imagination, that it wasn't true and right and wonderful and what you were supposed to be doing at that point in time. We need to remember that each person has their free agency; that that particular fact is what makes true love so beautiful in the first place.

                Roughly three months ago, at the beginning of March, I met a man I was supposed to marry. We were happy and blessed, and in complete awe that we had found each other under such strange circumstances. Despite the challenges we faced and the opposition we received, especially from our family, we made it through because we knew what we were doing was the right thing; that we would continue to be blessed for our faithfulness. We loved each other and we were excited to get married and start our new lives with one another. We threw ourselves into frenzied wedding preparations; I bought my wedding gown and made arrangements for alterations and called the temple and scheduled our sealing, he made a budget, paid bills, and started looking at options for our honeymoon and for our apartment. We shared our dreams, hopes, and fears with one another and kept moving forward towards August.

                But, just a mere two days after he met my entire family at Easter dinner, he came to my door ashen faced and told me that it was over. Midst the shock, pain, and disbelief, I felt anger, sadness, and disappointment. I was hurt. I was frustrated. And more than anything I wanted to shake him until his teeth rattled; until I could knock some sense into him and rid him of the lies and deceit that Satan had filled him with through friends and family. I knew deep in my heart and soul that we were supposed to get married; that we were right for each other. I couldn't believe that he had let his thoughts get so warped that he would forget not only the answers that he got, but the answers I got, and the ones that we got together. I couldn't believe that he had forgotten the significance and importance of all the blessings we had received since making the decision to get married.

                It wasn't until weeks later that I realized that his decisions and actions didn't change the fact that our marriage was right. His actions didn't suddenly nullify our answers and make our decisions together meaningless, our time together worthless. If we had gotten married, it still would have been the right thing to do and we would have been happy, of that I am certain. He had his agency. And I had mine. I guess what I’m trying to say is, is that this man was just one of my right options that Heavenly Father has in store for me. Just because it didn't work out with this particular man, doesn't mean that it won’t work with another of Heavenly Father’s choices.

                Love is multi-faceted. Each experience that each person in the world has is different. No two love stories are alike. These facts are what make love so beautiful, individual, and incredible. As a daughter or son of God, we have endless potential and because of that, our lives have endless possibilities just waiting for us to reach out and take them.

                 Just because this version of a Happily Ever After didn't work for me, doesn't mean that I won’t still get one. I am not bitter because of my broken engagement and cancelled wedding, on the contrary, I am grateful and hopeful. I am grateful and hopeful because I got to experience true love and when it comes along next time, I will be able to recognize it and appreciate it and value it that much more a second time around. I know that it is possible. It is not a dream. It’s real and it’s out there.

                I beg of you to be open to all of the possibilities that life has to offer you, most especially when it comes to love and making decisions that will affect the rest of your life. Even if the possibility seems so incredible and ridiculous, such as encountering someone you haven’t been with in a couple of years, reach out and take it. You take that possibility and you run with it, knowing that God will have your back the entire way; having faith that you can love again because you did it once before.


*Disclaimer:
There is more behind what happened between he and I on that day, and there are other reasons he had for doing what he did, but I felt that it was only necessary to share enough information to give you an idea of what happened. 

A "Thank You" Letter to Demi Lovato

Dear Demi,

I know that's a long shot that you'll get this, but I just wanted to thank you.

Last year I worked in an inner-city school in Phoenix. I taught 8th grade English.Most of the kids came from low socioeconomic backgrounds, single-parent families, we had lots of kids in foster care, we had two group homes within our boundaries; many children were depressed with suicidal tendencies and many of them had come from an abusive home or situation and a fair few had family members that were in gangs. More often than not, I was the only adult in their life who cared whether they lived or died.

I was more than a little overwhelmed when I started teaching, but then I realized what a difference I had the potential to make, largely due to the fact that they were exactly where I was when I was their age. More than anything, more than teaching them English, I wanted to inspire them. I wanted to get them to believe in themselves, get them to understand that they didn't have to listen to the people who told them "NO" or "You're not good enough."; that they had the right and power to do whatever they wanted, that they were capable of anything they set their minds to. Your music, your story of overcoming your eating disorder and your addictions, was/is such an inspiration to them. Being able to listen to your music during their school day in my classroom was their little ray of hope and sunshine that got them through the day.

I have since had to quit and move away from Arizona due to some serious health problems, but I just wanted to tell you this: A large number of my old students just recently went to one of your concerts and they were inspired and awe-struck. You made them feel special and even if just for a little moment, they believed in themselves because of you.

SO, what I really just wanted to say was "thank you". Thank you for taking care of "my kids" and inspiring them and believing in them when I don't have the ability to help them anymore. Thank you.

Sincerely and with greatest thanks,

Stephanie Ann McMurtrey

A New Year, A Fresh Start

Earlier this year when I was really struggling with my eating disorder and severe depression, I hit a very low point, albeit a unique one for someone who struggles with anorexia and depression. After an encounter with a very dear friend via skype who mentioned in passing that it looked like I had lost a lot of weight, I stared at myself in the mirror and was shocked at what I saw after really looking at myself. I had circles so dark underneath my eyes that it looked like someone had punched me in the face, my cheekbones jutted out, my clothes hung loose on me, and for once, I was afraid of what I was doing to myself and how it was affecting me. I called my mother and I cried; asking her over and over again. “What do I do?”

Shortly after this confession, I moved home due to some other serious health concerns and I started the long, hard road to recovery, self acceptance, and ultimately, forgiveness. This has not been an easy road for me to traverse; stuck at home and unable to drive or work due to crippling chronic migraines, I have struggled to find my purpose because it seemed as though everything I was and everything I had worked for was being ripped out from underneath me. I was clinging as if my life depended on it to the things that were no longer relevant to my journey and it was slowly killing me; mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. God had a beautiful, new plan for me, but I was shamefully ignoring Him and almost cursing Him as I tried by myself to heal my broken heart from the Hell I had been through and was still going through. And then through sheer divine intervention, the courage to act, and the desire to change, one day, I looked up and extended my hand to Him and slowly began to trust again.

 Much has changed since I moved home and most of it for the best. I am slowly, but surely learning to love myself for who I am; for how God made me. I am His daughter and God does not make mistakes. More often than not, I have never really understood why God wanted me to do something, but I did it anyway, knowing that He knows best and sees the whole picture of my life when I can only see what’s in front of me. Since I moved home, since following His plan for me, I have been blessed beyond my imaginings. Things are still extremely difficult, but my blessings make it easier to deal. God has given me beautiful, compassionate friends who have cradled and held me in my darkest moments and celebrated with me my small triumphs (like being able to take a walk or finally being able to eat three meals a day) and God has given me some of my strength back so that I am able to do a little more each day and even nanny once or twice a week. He has given me so much, and even though it’s been hard, and even though I've wanted to give up multiple times, He gives me the strength to keep on going.

No matter what, God and Christ always know what’s best for us. Even when we struggle, rage, scream, and beat against their guidance, they patiently wait beside us, holding our hearts and hands until we are quiet enough to hear Them.

Take what you've learned and been through this past year, the good and the bad, and go forward with faith. Move forward with love in your heart and the hope and excitement of good things to come. God loves you.

Happy New Year!

A Change and a Mighty Work

I have come to this conclusion:

God is performing a change and a mighty work within me.

Right now, at this moment, things are the hardest that they've been in a long time. Over the past little while I have come to understand a little better the role that God plays in my life and just how involved that He really is. He sees who we are now and He sees who we can be in the future; He sees everything and is beautifully and mercifully prepared for each possibility and each choice that we make.

While I was unpacking a few weeks ago I came across a stack of filled and finished journals. I came across an entry and a description of a blessing that I had nearly forgotten about; one that happened during a significantly difficult time in my life. As I was reading this entry, everything that has happened to me over the past several months clicked into place and suddenly made sense. In this entry, God was giving me a warning. A caution against something that would not happen for almost two years.

What's beautiful about this is that He saw. He knew the lessons that I had to learn; the ones that I would not be able to learn any other way. Lessons that were essential to my eternal progression. He saw what needed to happen and how hard it would be and He jumped right in to preparing me for what was to come even though it was in the distant future. This revelation was a wake-up call. I was feeling uninspired, worthless, and confused about my future and confused about the reasons for some recent trials and why I "wasn't" given any reason behind them.

I was struggling. Struggling to heal from the trials and the unfortunate damage that had been done to me by them. Honestly, I was wondering if God really cared about me at all; if there was really any rhyme or reason to my trials or if they were just meaningless. And when I was at my weakest, God saw the danger that I was in, saw my sincere desire to know the truth and His will for me...... and then showed me what I needed to see so I could start to heal.

 I am thankful for God and for the role that He has played in my life so far. I am thankful for His sacrifice of sending His Only Begotten Son to earth to fulfill the Atonement. I am truly thankful for Christ's faith and his willingness to do our Father's will, even though he was scared. He saved us all so that we could have the opportunity to repent. So that we could all be together forever someday. Because of the atonement, I can begin to heal. Through the atonement I can learn to love myself and I can use that power to forgive others and use it to forgive myself.

God and Christ love us. Whether we like it or not, they are in every single part of our lives. They see every possibility and future and they see our magnificent potential to be what we are destined to be.We absolutely need Them. I know that now.

"Lord, I need you, oh I need you! Every hour I need you! My one defense, my righteousness! Oh God, how I need you."

Truths that Speak to Me at the Present Moment

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A Rebuke, A Call to Action, and A Declaration

Thinking about it, the past month and a half or so has been absolute terror, torture, and hell, all rolled into one big, wretched mass of emotional and mental turmoil. I have moved from Provo, Utah to Phoenix, Arizona, and taken a brand spankin' new job teaching terribly ruthless eighth graders. I have officially started from scratch and I am officially a grown-up; living on eggs and potatoes, trying to strike out on my own, and make a life for myself. And you know what...? It kind of sucks rocks right now, I'm not going to lie to you. But, before I get into all of that and get off topic, I want to touch base on a few of the things that have been on my mind as of late. Ladies, you can stop reading here if you'd like, but men? Read on brothers, read on. This is for you and your comrades in arms.

I have had my heart ripped out of my *pardon my French* ass for the last time. Us women need men. We need men. We need men. We need men. Sure, it feels abso-freakin'-loutely spectacular to be cuddled, held, stroked, and, not to be particularly vulgar or anything, be French kissed every so often, but good GRIEF! Pull your heads out of your butts and COMMIT already! I am not something for you to play with whenever you feel like it. I am NOT someone for you to mess around with until you've decided you've had your fill and can now toss me aside. Us women need men who not only do the nice things I've mentioned above, but we need men who actually care about us, who actually think before they act; men who aren't afraid of commitment, men who aren't scared of finding someone to start the rest of their lives with. I am NOT, I repeat, NOT for you to experiment with when you're still trying to figure out who you are, what you want with you and what you want in your life, let alone what you want in a girlfriend and future spouse. Doing what I've described is just plain mean, downright cruel, and quite frankly, inconsiderate treatment of a fellow human being and child of God. Stop it. Just STOP IT.

Now, I know that I am not perfect. Only Heaven knows how imperfect I actually am, but I am coming to the conclusion that I deserve respect and consideration and basic common courtesies when I am involved with someone, even when we are just starting to go on dates and not in an actual relationship. So boys (because that's what you're acting like), don't lie to me about how you're feeling because you're afraid to say what you really feel just in case it hurts my feelings, don't hold my hand, hug me, or most especially, kiss me, if you don't mean it. Save that garbage for the nuclear waste dump in your thick heads because it has no place in the real world. No one, and I mean, NO ONE, deserves to be treated like that. I don't care who you are or what you've done, but no one needs that extra baggage.

1. So, don't you dare come near me unless you have your act together. (Know who you are as a son of God and what you truly want out of life. I've had a hard enough time figuring out who I am and what I want and sorry, but I don't have the time to help you do that. That's something you need to do for yourself.)

2. Don't even think twice about holding me or kissing me until you're sure that you're in it for the long haul and that you're not just going to frolic off into the sunset when you've finished with me.

3. Don't you even entertain the thought of lying to me, because I will suss it out, and I will kick your trash. And so will all of my friends. And especially my baby sister. Don't mess with that chick. If you want me to be your girlfriend, you share things with me, not hide them from me.

4. Respect me and who I am as a daughter of God, and respect what that means. Can you imagine how horrified God is when He sees what you are doing to and how you are treating his precious daughters? You better take cover with that idiot metal strainer in the kitchen because a storm's coming for you.

Boys, rise up, and act like the men that God wants you to be; the men that He expects you to be. How can any of us expect to get to the Celestial Kingdom of God if you're acting like this? How eternally sad will God be if all of his precious daughters grow into old age and pass into the next life without ever experiencing an honest-to-goodness, heartfelt, true, and respectful relationship? How will He feel when this happens and that his precious daughters who righteously desired to have a family never got to birth their own children and raise them?

And don't you even DARE think about saying that this will happen because we're "picky". I would rather wait forty years for a right man who will treat me with honesty, integrity, kindness, respect, and love me for who I am, than settle for a boy who will treat me abominably ill and leave me when he's decided he's finished with me.

I am declaring that I am waiting for a man to come and find me and I am no longer interested in wasting my time with boys. So if you're a boy, go find something else to do with your time, and if you can honestly call yourself a man, step right up, because I've been waiting for you. I deserve better than what I've been given and I am willing to search for it, and if needs be, wait for it, until a right situation comes along.

...Where do I belong...?

It's at times like this that I've never felt more alone and lost. I am tired and exhausted, emotionally strung out and just downright confused. I am ready to find where I belong; I'm tired of wandering and feeling worthless.

Even now, when I'm nearing the completion of my Bachelor's degree, I'm student-teaching at a middle school, and I'm established in a great single's ward, I still feel like I'm not where I'm supposed to be.  I feel like I don't fit in, no matter where I am. Being a devout member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is one of my biggest blessings, but it is also one of my biggest hardships. Every time I come to visit my home town, the only thing anyone ever asks me is, "Do you have a boyfriend? Are you dating anybody? Are you going to get married? Why aren't you married yet?"  

In the areas I'm in at least, there is a blatant disregard for my accomplishments in favor of the more "important" relationship gossip and my self-worth is based solely on whether or not I'm dating someone, engaged or getting ready to start a family. Most of the time I feel like I'm not worth much; this is because in a very close-knit culture where family and marriage is one of the most important accomplishments you can ever achieve, I am not involved in any of it. Not even a little bit. All of my friends and family have either or are, going on missions, getting engaged, getting married or having families and I'm just...floating. Even with all of the stuff that I'm involved in, I feel like I just don't belong. I feel like all that I've done and gone through and accomplished doesn't matter; no one seems to give a care that I've made it through a debilitating illness, gotten my bachelor's degree and performed as an actress with one of the most sought after directors at BYU-Idaho. Because I'm not on a mission or engaged or married or starting a family, nothing that I've done matters or has any worth, weight, or meaning behind it. People seem to look down on me; almost like they're asking why I'm wasting and have wasted my time doing the things that I've done. At least that's how I feel. I feel that because I haven't done and I'm not doing any of these things, I have no worth or place because I'm not "furthering the kingdom".

Most of the time I feel like an intruder on all of my friends and family's lives; a tiny piece of nondescript furniture in the background that just sits there and only adds to the scenery. Something that has no real place or purpose. I feel so awkward, lost, confused, and out of place. I feel like I don't belong with anyone or belong anywhere. I don't want to feel like that anymore; I shouldn't have to. 

Next on my list of things to do after I'm done with student teaching is to take the summer off and find myself and my purpose. I want to have time to just be, because after an entire lifetime of devoting myself to my studies, my friends, my family, basically anything and anyone else that didn't have to do with me, I think it's about time that I do something just for me. It's high time that I take care of myself and do what I want and what I need. And right now I need a sense of purpose, a place where I know that I belong. I'm done with feeling like I'm floating. I know with everything that I am, that there is somewhere I belong and that I have a distinct and special purpose meant just for me. I just don't know the where and what quite yet. It's nice for the rest of you who have done this for yourselves, but just know that I haven't yet and you have no place to judge me on where I am in my journey and I how I get there.