I've been thinking for a while about what to write. I didn't want to write a post of just me rambling. I have felt the need for this next post to be important. Here we go, I suppose.
I have been struggling for a long time to feel that I am of worth, that I am loved and important. I got in a car accident almost a month ago that totaled my car and brought to halt all that I was doing to try and better myself. With my car totaled, I had to quit my job, and again come home to an empty house with my extroverted mind crawling up the walls. Having this accident happen to me has caused me to really dig deep and reflect on my life.
As the Holidays roll around, they have me thinking of all that has happened to me over this past year and with that, me struggling to remember all of the good things instead of the bad. Because there has been a lot of bad. But there has also been just as much good.
About a year and a half ago, I got diagnosed with all of my chronic illnesses, and honestly, my life changed for the better. Now, instead of being home-bound and bed ridden, I can walk! I can run (if I so choose), I can climb the stairs without passing out from the pain, I can hang out with friends, go to the bathroom without someone helping me, and can drive a car safely and carefully. I have come so far. I have pulled myself out of the very depths of hell to leave myself, shaking with exhaustion and effort, to crawl once more and be a part of my journey. I have come back from being engaged and jilted twice in 2014. I have overcome family issues, money issues, health issues; all within this past year. I have made progress! I have shown to myself, others, and God that I am willing to do whatever it takes to learn, grow, and move.
So, knowing all of this, why does my brain forget all of these good, amazing things and focus on the bad? Why does it focus on the fact that I'm not working and therefore that means I'm useless? Why does it focus on the fact that I'm not anorexic anymore and that means that I'm fat and worthless? Why does it focus on the fact that I am chronically ill and that means no one wants me? Why does my brain just spin with all of this toxic waste and pull me to a place that I struggle to get back from?
So, how do I get out of this deep-seated funk that I'm in? How does anyone do that? Sometimes, and I hate to say it, prayer is not enough. We, I, have got to find some sort of action that I can grab onto to haul myself out. Action goes hand in hand with prayer. You can't just pray, do nothing, and expect all of your problems to be solved. But knowing all of this, having done everything the right way, why am I still the way that I am?
How is it that I can send my love to everyone else and love them for who they are, when on the inside, on the other side of my mask, I'm a struggling mess?
How do you send love to yourself? How do you get out of your deep-seated funk without being too damaged when you come out the other side? What do you do to lift your spirit to a place where darkness has a hell of a time touching it?
Sending my love to all,